Preparing to Clean Your Ass!
WHEN DID YOU LAST PAY YOUR ASS A VISIT?
Before sticking ANYTHING but a finger in your ass, you should get to know it, both inside and out. The first thing to know is that nothing will easily go in there against its will. You need to relax, coax, sooth and pleasure it first.
The worst time to discover your ass is just before sex! Instead book yourself some discovery time. Make sure you’re alone, have an uninterrupted hour, and have turned off the phone. Getting comfortable and relaxed is the most important thing!
Your ass has both an inner and outer sphincters. The outer one makes the butt pucker that you can see, and then there is one inside, which you can feel a short ways up with a well lubricated finger. It’s the inner one that mostly controls what goes in or out, and has a mind of it’s own.
You’re going to have to relax both these sets of muscles enough to eventually put a nozzle in your hole. The best way to do this is to gently massage and push into your hole with a well lubricated finger or small dildo. You want to slightly push out with your ass like you were taking a dump to help open up the sphincters. Don’t rush things and eventually you’ll get in there.
Once you are able to insert your finger or small toy, gently work it in and out until your ass is not upset with the visiting object. Give it lots of lube and take your time! Your almost ready to give it a good cleaning now!
[box]The Checkup: Time for a Quick Cleaning or the BIG Cleaning?
The Checkup happens both before you clean out you ass and afterwards to make sure you did a great job. Let’s assume that you’ve already taken a dump a little while back, and then used a well lubed finger to gently open up your sphincter.
Rest one leg up on a chair or the toilet seat to do a Standing Checkup. Reach around and give yourself a tentative cavity search! First you want to check the immediate area inside your butt. You might not find any poo, which is great, but you’ll want to sweep around all the area that you can reach. If you find something right away, no need to go further in. If your fingers come out clean, it’s time for the Squat!
Squatting at this point will let you check a bit deeper in. With a bit of practice, and even more lube, you’ll be able to check right up to the first interior bend in your butt. It’ll give you a high degree of confidence that if you’re all clean, you’ll be able to safely take a moderate dildo, or average hung guy in your ass without any problems.
Now that you’ve done your checkup, you’ll have a good idea of how much of a cleaning you need! For beginners, you’ll really want to use a Handheld Butt Blaster. If your into some serious ass play, or have a really hung partner, you’ll want to hose down the back alley![/box]
i just felt boogie yesterday cause i had a 30% discount and i overslept so i decided i wont wait for a cab ill just get an uber cause itll be faster. what WOULD have been a 7-8 minute drive to campus ended up being 30 minutes mainly cause the dumbass wouldnt look at the map and just decided to cross a street KNOWING THAT HE CANT FUCKING CROSS IT BECAUSE HE WOULD BE DRIVING AGAINST THE ROAD AND THAT ALONE TOOK HIM 10 MINUTES. i just had my earphones on and didnt care to listen 👂 to what he was saying but everytime he angrily spun the wheel he would fart ... it wasnt mild little air tickles they were fairly audible with a decent amount of STENCH and the non audible ones were even worse those were the REALLY fucking bad ones I could not begin to describe my disdain and i didnt want to open the window to embarass the guy i just thought itll all be over very soon. anyway by the time we almost got there, the roads were watery and there was a bit of traffic and we were approaching the car but then we got too close to the car in front of us and i looked at him and he was looking to his left and eventually hit the car in front of us. AH HELL NAWL i thought to myself while having an extremely neutral face i was so over him and over all of this and i couldnt cancel the trip cause the uber thing would penalize me or sth but i was already v close n shit so i couldnt be assed to tamper with it.. itll be over soon 🤠 hes also such an asshole that he left the car in the middle of the road to check the front of the car for bumps when there was traffic behind him PEOPLE HAVE SHIT TO DO YOU STUPID APE COULD YOU NOT HAVE PARKED ON THE SIDE 👏🏿
anyway by the time i got there i realized class was cancelled AND 👏🏿THE 👏🏿GAG👏🏿IS 👏🏿SHE👏🏿MENTIONED👏🏿THAT👏🏿LAST👏🏿TIME👏🏿 AND 👏🏿 I 👏🏿COMPLETELY👏🏿FORGOT👏🏿
and today the powers been out all night bc too much Rain.m4a etc and idk i just know that im sad and im staying in bed until theres water warm enough to accommodate my icy love handles and i dont wanna go out without a shower (does that make me narcissistic??) and theres a really hot guy giving my lecture in 10 minutes and im just so..
i dont want money i just want SEX see my chocolate starfish =====> HERE
even though jesus doesnt exist and all religions were implemented with the interest of inferiorizing women everywhere but enjoy that boxed wine of yours 💋💋
i wanted to make and post a boston cream style yule log (maybe i still will its not like people will stop stuffing their faces) but ive been a little sick these past few days 🤒 hope everyone else is having a good time.
spent the past week face plastered to laptop, living off asparthame coffee creamers and cheeseburgers from mcd that have 4 extra patties and discarding the bread because im to skinny for carbs keeping in mind the meat probably has rats in it but its the only thing i can afford that isnt canned tuna because america etc how are you spice qirls doing 👄
DISCLAIMER: If you're a skinny legend and care to preserve your skinny legendness, close the tab this blog entry is not for you.
I'm using times new roman for that cookbook cred, feel free to fuck off if you don't like it. Yes, the rumors are true ladies I am back by popular demandT following the release of my groundbreaking recipe for ratchet red velvet cake that I plagiarized from multiple internet blogs. THIS TIME THOOO I documented the cheesecake I made and it's baked cheesecake cause that in my opinion is the only relevant type of cheesecake and I do not fuck with the gelatin and whipped cream stuff because its gross and we only stan QUALITY I don't care if it's cheaper! It's called culturally appropriative cheesecake because it has orange and cardamom and I'm p sure that's like a Moroccan combination or sth but anyway here goes!
⅔ cup of sugar
⅔ cup of water
Pinch of salt
24 digestive biscuits (the original recipe called for graham crackers but we don't have that cause america doesn't let us have nice things)
⅓ cup butter
2 cardamom pods
1 teaspoon of ground cardamom
1 cup of sour cream
¼ of a cup of flour
32 ounces (900 grams) of cream cheese
⅔ cup of milk
1 tablespoon of vanilla extract
1½ teaspoon of cardamom
1 tablespoon of orange zest
1. Melt your butter on low heat and add in your crushed cardamom pods (by crush i mean just have them open up), and leave it on for like 10-15 minutes on the lowest setting to make brown butter it'll have more of a nutty flavour I mean you're clogging your arteries either way so you might as well get the most of it. Just make sure to NOT burn it the second you start smelling it turn it off it'd be good to go. It should have this colour or slightly darker bc of the lighting:
2. Throw your biscuits in a bag and smash them into a soft crumb, doesn't have to be too soft of crumb a little chunk is fine we all love a chunky woman.
3. Mix the butter, ground cardamom and biscuits together until combined. Fit it into the already lightly greased spring-form pan using your fingers make sure to go around all the edges, they don't have to be perfect just have it even on the bottom and set it aside.
4. Preheat the oven to 175C or 350F.
5. Mix the flour with the sour cream idk why i took a pic of this but here it is
6. Combine the cream cheese and sugar with a wooden spoon then keep mixing till most of the sugar is dissolved, it takes some time but if you can masturbate then you can do this.
7. Whisk in the eggs one egg at a time, then add in the milk. should look like this:
8. At this point it is very important to not overmix the batter, you're gonna add in the sour cream and flour mixture, then the milk and then fold in the orange zest, cardamom, and vanilla and if you're feeling very adventurous you can throw in some lemon zest as well! If it doesn't feel like lush on a stick and/or look like this throw it away and start again:
9. Pour this spicy batter to the set crust and bake it for 1 hour, the edges should puff up and there should be a slightly fluid center if you jiggle the pan: that's when you know it's ready. Turn off the heat and leave it in the oven uninterrupted for 4 hours then put it in the fridge to set for a few hours until cooled.
10. In the meantime if for some fucking reason you always end up with a crack like me (usually a result from temperature/overmixing), you can cover it up with a topping! I'm topping it with some candied orange slices. Of course you can totally ignore this and throw some marmalade that was thinned out with a bit of juice/water on top of her because life is too short buuuuuuttt I'm gonna make some just to show off anyway.
11. Combine the water, sugar, crushed cardamom and pinch of salt into a medium saucepan on medium high heat.
12. Thinly slice the orange, get the seeds out and put it into the saucepan. Once it starts boiling, lower the heat cover the pan and let it simmer for 30 minutes.
13. After 30 minutes, put them on a plate that has parchment paper on it and let it set. As for the syrup idk you can add it to your morning coffee it'll taste artisanal ig. But here's what they're gonna look like it's v easy to make them: (the black specs are cardamom im not a nastee bitch)
14. Place them on top of the cake however you want. You can cut the orange slices in half and line them around the cake except I didn't because I thought of that afterwards. Anyway, get your lives and hope you enjoyed this!! (: