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Hey its me! wen u read my blogs i want u guys to know that i dont make up bs..im real and i will get real wen u need me to. As a person who believes in being themselves i want u guys to be as comfortable around me as possible. I have nothing to hide and wen reality hits im in it to win it!

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Have you ever felt like something's wrong with you? As if you're not good enough? Do you ever think that other people are better than you because there are things that they can do that you can't? I feel like that everyday. I feel that I don't really have the same mind set as anyone else, like I can't do anything right. I'm not smart, I probably don't know how to solve problems by myself. It's like I'm unable to do anything. But I'm not in a wheel chair so I can walk, I have hands and arms to reach and grab things. But that's not the issue, the issue is my mentality. I wish I was like other people who knows how to work hard and think straight. I don't know why God even punished me like this I don't like the way I am, I never asked to be born, why do I feel like I don't belong or that I'm a waste of space? Sometimes I'll have nights where I cry, feeling sorry for myself and that I'm not good enough for anyone or that I'm too much. I don't know why I have people who care about me (friends, family etc) when all I do is cause trouble or push them away. I was trying to escape from home, not caring if I die in the streets because all I wanted to do was not exist anymore. I would always have thoughts of self-harming because all I wanted to do was feel pain, and the more I cause harm to myself maybe eventually I'll lay on the floor not being able to feel pain anymore. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because I'm no one to have a pity party. To be honest, I'm not super open about how I feel so telling you guys these things really help me. Thank you for reading I know I don't come often because of so many things I'm dealing with but as always stay in tune with my blogs you guys know I enjoy you reading them and giving them likes. You guys are my little pumpkin patch and i love you! 

Hey whats up you guys i know it has been forever like almost a year since i havent blogged theres actually a list that i have right now its not much but anyways i would like to congratulate Kesha for her newest song "Praying" which was released July 6, 2017 if you HAVENT heard it yet (though im sure majority of you have) check it out on youtube! you can also download it on itunes, spotify, amazon music and google play. I cant wait for her album 'Rainbow' which will be released i think in......actually i dont know when it will drop lol but if you guys have any idea please leave a comment down below and i will take a look at it and the next time i blog i will definately talk about it. Anyways, onwards to todays blog! i have been playing the single pringle role for far too long and i think its starting to get to me. Lets see, did i ever tell you guys that i'm finally enrolled in college? it's not much but it is a start im enrolled in PBSC a.k.a Palm Beach State College because i have no idea what i want to do as a career so im starting off with having Criminal Justice as one of my majors 👏👏👏👏 yay to me i finally made it thru high school without dropping out (tho i had been thinking about doing it but its a good thing i havent) by the way you guys i know i made it as a joke but dropping out is no laughing matter for as you can see im one of the few in the family (mostly my dad's side my mom went to college but just like me she was the few who even made it pass highschool and made it to college as well) to even made it to college. My dad was a drop out with a G.E.D, my aunt did the same practically all of his family were drop outs (except for me) so he was really proud of me for staying in school and making it to college because just like any good parent he just wants the best for me. As i was saying yes i have made it and im very proud and hopefully i will make it to a university like FIU or maybe FAU i dont know but i will have to work hard and see. Another thing i would like to get off my chest is im getting noticed on youtube however i dont want a bunch of subscribers if im not able to even reach my laptop so i have to wait to find available time to even go on it and not only that i got to figure out this really cool screen recorder its called OBS (you can look it up right now if you like) and let's look at reality i'm not good at tech stuff so if i have time and my laptop with me i can always go on youtube and figure that stuff out. But the point im trying to get across is im getting subs and im so proud of myself and so i really want to achieve becoming a famous youtuber so that i will be better noticed for my videos and then i could go into further achievements like selling my own merch, going to vidcon and meeting fans..Im a little obsessed with attention and being noticed for what i do (just like how im so obsessed with love but we will talk about that another time) and i know this takes time so until then id have to wait so that i can make some adjustments to make my channel look nicer and more professional like other youtubers..by the way if you are a very well known youtuber (known for gameplays and rps) please i would like some advice on how i should make my channel look nicer and how i should record my videos..like is there a special way i should do my intro? my outro? is there a better way to record that i should download and install instead? let me know right away and i will take into consideration. wow that was a mouthful but enough of that i just wanted to get all that off my chest. I guess that is all i have to say for today i hope u guys enjoyed this blog. I will blog again sometime this week if im not busy. I love you guys...your my little pumpkin patch (pumpkins will always be my favorite) 🍊 i know it looks like an orange emoji but if you use your imagination it could be a delicious little pumpkin. Okay i will see you guys next time i love you! goodbye! 😚😚😚

Hey guys I have no idea how to say any of this but a few days ago i had a drug overdose (i can't remember what the pills are called though but please keep reading) and had a really bad seizure and ended up with a swollen black eye (which i can't explain how I got it so nobody even knows how it happened not even me) and ended up in the hospital and just stayed there for 3 days. It was the most miserable 3 days in the hospital of my life (then again who would enjoy doctors pinching all over your arms with needles and dealing with an IV that ended up giving you a huge ass bruise? and nurses waking you up in the middle of the night just to take your blood pressure? someone not human that's who). Ok let's back up the beginning of february where i was sitting in my Psychiatrists office. He prescribed me with pills that has 300 doses (which I was suppose to have) but i felt that wasn't enough so I asked him if he could give me bigger doses but he warned me that it wasn't very therapeutic to prescribe bigger doses than the ones already prescribed to me. But i urged him to because all i wanted was to have a better way to focus so he prescribed me with pills that have 450 doses (which yes its too much) he told me how unwise it is for me to take this much doses but i was so naiive i didn't bother to listen all i wanted was to be more attentive so i risked it anyway. Two weeks later i was sitting in my classroom just listening to my teacher telling some story but unfortunately that's all i remembered doing because the next minute i started waking up (appearently i found out i fainted not to mention my uncontrollable body shaking) confused and nauseous and i was taken to West Palm hospital to find out why that happened and the doctors said that happened because of stress and lack of eating (because remember we didnt think it was the pills that was doing this so we still had no idea) so when i came home i tried eating more and tried to lessen my stress level and to be honest i thought i was doing a good job. Until two weeks later i was in my room just looking at my dog because i just love how fat and fluffy she looked and then 20 minutes later i woke up on the floor with my left eye barely even opening and just hurting super badly and then i started feeling nauseous and i wanted to vomit in my bathroom but i couldn't move or get up so i ended up vomiting on the floor and then when i finally got the strength to get up to go to my bathroom, i heard the bathroom light on (but i never checked if it was locked or not mainly because i was in the state of not being able to think straight) so i thought someone was in there and instead just ran to my mom's bathroom and she asked me what happened (but i couldnt tell her because i wasn't even speaking direct english like nothing i was saying made sense) and then i just vomitted in her toilet, i couldn't carry my own weight so i held the sides of the toilet bowl with my hands (again i wasnt thinking so it didn't cross my mind that it was a gross thing to do)  and then i started to wipe my saliva off my face with my hand (again i didn't know i was doing it) and my mom just told me to wash my hands and i did and when i looked up at the mirror i wanted to know what it is i was feeling on my right eye and when i removed my hair to see it my mom gasped and just yelled out to my dad to call 911. I was so confused as to why she would call 911 (i wasn't thinking it was a big deal) so they did and repeatedly my mom asked me "who am i?" "who am i?" and i kept telling her "my mom" "my mom". Then the ambulence came and they took me to St.Mary's hospital and i had to stay there for 3 miserable days. I hated the food, i hated getting shots, i hated the IV the ambulence guy did to me because thanks to him i have a big bruise on my right arm and i complained about it to the nurses so they had to fix it but she screwed up three fucken times and so then this male doctor came and it only took him one time so it kind of helped ease the pain a little. Still hated it though. Anyways all day i was in bed but i had visitors (my mom stayed the whole time) my dad came everyday to see me, my uncle came to see me and my boyfriend came to see me too. I remembered crying that second day i was there and my uncle, dad, and even my boyfriend just comforted me telling me everything will be ok even when i didn't feel it was going to be. I was so miserable i hated pain, sometimes i think of death as an alternative because everyone knows that once you're dead you won't be able to feel pain anymore. But i knew i had to pull through so i did no matter how much pain i was feeling physically and emotionally or how weak i could even walk or pick up my own weight i knew i was stronger than that i don't just fall down easily unless someone pushes me. I never knew when to stop at things until i know i can overcome it and when i want to achieve something i never stop until i do and my achievement for that case was i pray to God that i would be healthy enough and that my results from the MRI would be good enough for me to get the hell out of that hospital. I was lucky i got out before noon the next day ( i was SUPPOSE to get out the night before but they didnt tell the nurse the results from my MRI in time) and i couldn't be happier. Unfortunately the effects are still in my system: forgetfulness, constant drowsiness, mood changes..i can't remember the rest im so sorry guys if i had the list i would've kept going. Anyways, this is my second day being out of the hospital and ever since that day happened my mom would never leave me alone (which is good) she would check up on me every so often and would never leave me alone at home because she's scared that it might happen again if she's not around. I hope it never happens again and asides from that whole fright train overdosed fiasco, what really hurt me was watching my mom's heart break infront of me. I'm sure no mom appreciates watching their kid suffer from having seizures all because of having an overdose that they didn't know it was what really caused it. I still feel it was my fault that this happened to me. If I have never urged my Pyschiatrist to give me a bigger dose, none of this would ever happened, i would still be well without a black eye, without seizures, oh and did i mention i can't drive for 6 months because of fear that i might have a seizure if while im driving? (yeah i know it sucks..great now my parents have to drive me places like im someone without a liscence). Well, im still suffering from the effects but at least i don't have to go to school until my black eye disappears so i guess i can sleep longer in the mornings. Thanks for reading my blog guys...please keep reading because i enjoy writing to you. Before i forget..the stuff i said about Kesha and Dr.Luke, i didn't mean to imply that Kesha was a liar..in fact i wished i would take back that whole entry im so sorry guys if you took it to offense that i made you think im against her, im really not im all about #FreeKesha also i want to wish her a happy bday! i already posted a happy birthday wish on twitter (i wish i can do the same on instagram but something went wrong so i can't really post anything or comment on anything on instagram) anyways thanks for reading i'll definately see you next time i start blogging..bye i love you all :D 

Hey what's up guys...today I just want to let out somethings that I have been holding back for a while now. As you will all know i now have a job and i know that's suppose to be something exciting like "yay! woo hoo! now you can get the chance of making it rain!" that is not true first of all. Second of all, I just work at McDonald's and for those who never worked there probably doesn't know literally how impossible it can feel trying to please the customers while the automatic soda machine keeps having a break down and i mean a major break down. I'm talkin' how the claws that suppose to clasp whatever size drink is being put in the order doesn't clasp it at all so I literally have to do it manually, and sometimes even though you know you put the cup in the right container it was suppose to be in, the machine itself doesn't pour the drink into the cup and instead just pours it in the...rig-like...thing...it's something when a customer orders a drink from the cashier and then there's the soda machine that the customer has to pour it in themselves and sometimes it overflows and the liquid just ends up spilling under those metal bars that just holds or disposes the liquid but that's out front where customers order their food I'm the one at the second window of the drive thru that gives the customer their meals. Anyways, it was a complete disaster it keeps breaking a bunch of cups which made us waste time and won't give the customers their drinks ON time. Most of the time we have to pour in the drinks manually by just pressing the buttons of the order for the customers. The only thing that made things easier was me trying to socialize with them and be nice and just stay on their good side to make it hard for them to go against me and i do that as a distraction while my coworkers go and fixes the problem. There's a lot to say about what goes on in there. I really don't like working at McDonald's but the only reason why its bareable for me was because I begged my manager, in a very subtle way, to move me from the grill position to the second window position because i didn't find it enjoyable to keep giving myself first degree burns every time i try to flip a burger. The window does have some ups and downs like, sure I'm able to talk to people and serve them drinks and their meals as soon as it's ready, but it does get hot most of the time and so i have to ask my manager if i can have a soda or something..yesterday (2/19/17) i drank two medium sprites and an apple juice that didn't have a straw attached to it. I was lucky they let me out an hour early because my shift was suppose to be from 1-5pm and i got out at 4, went out to starbucks, drank my favorite tall caramel frappuccino, i looked through my snapchat and saw my boyfriend's message about knowing i got out early mainly because i was bragging about how relieved i am about it in my story so he hit me up, then later he came over to my house. Again, i love my boyfriend but he acts like a complete child sometimes, he's always seeking attention and when he doesn't get it he has an attitude and just  tries to walk out the door then ends up coming back in because he realizes i didn't care because im suppose to be his girlfriend not his babysitter or his entertainer. He whines and complains i mean c'mon the dude is 18 years old shouldn't he be mature by now? Ugh and today he was bothering me about coming over to hang and talk and stuff and i said "no because you were being too much last night, you were always trying to put your disgusting fingers in my mouth and constantly waving your arms on my face and putting it in my face and constantly being touchy all over my body even in places that you weren't invited in" We were just watching a movie Inferno which was really interesting by the way, and all i wanted to do was chill and watch the movie. I don't mind holding hands or cuddling but if he keeps acting the way he's acting, then i might as well work as a babysitter and should be payed a lot because i always put up with him. The relationship is becoming more of a chore than romance and honestly I don't feel it's going anywhere. And I know what you guys are thinking "ok if it's not going well then just break up with him" and i will i just have to find a perfect time and just let him down easy. I didn't sign up to date a whiny boy who acts like a little bitch ok? If i wanted pussy i would date a woman..i was suppose to be signed up for a man who knows how to act while we're in public, who knows how to be mature and not complain about everything, who gives me what i like instead of making me do what he likes all the time...yanno like shareing..like I'll do things that he likes and he does the same for me. OH MY GOD  that felt good letting it out..I'm so glad you guys would take the time to read all this about stress and fiasco events at work (honestly). Keep reading my blogs guys i enjoy writing them just for you. bye loves! :D:D  

Whats up guys I just want to discuss what is happening between Lukaz Gottwald a.k.a Dr.Luke and the famous singer, song writer Kesha Rose Sebert. I was going through instagram and saw at least one piece of the filed papers from the court in New York and there was also a link and i read what was happening. Some were the ones a lot of her loving animals knew already though i cant speak for everyone because who knows...maybe people just dont have interest in the real world. But thats not important! What really got my attention was a few things: Kesha was texting Lady Gaga about "some guy" who also raped Lady Gaga making Kesha not the only one on the victim boat. Now, i dont even know if it's true or not because since Kesha has been abused and faced MAJOR depression she probably just wants to take her anger to the point where she ruins Dr.Luke's reputation and his business not to mention that on twitter Katy Perry herself said that she never had a problem with Dr.Luke and doesn't see him as a rapist. And that says a lot because if one female artist has no problem then there's bound to have the majority of female artists who are in contract with Dr.Luke that don't have those kind of problems with him either except for the few who claims they had (not including Kesha). Also before you guys start going all loco coco by sayin "How is she lieing? She's a victim of a music producer..why would anyone lie about being raped?" Well there has been a case where a woman accused an NFL player of raping her and getting her pregnant. But fortunately for the NFL player he was pleaded not guilty litterally the guy either wore a condom (which rapists wouldn't usually do when they rape someone) or didnt have sex with her at all (it was a long time ago so the memory is a bit fuzzy) and the lady later on either got tested for her pregnancy or she got her period either way everyone knew she was lieing. Do you see my point? also dont ask why she did it because the answer will always be thats shes crazy. Ok so back to Kesha. On the other hand however, she did before claim that Dr.Luke did put something in her drink and then somehow she ended up naked on his bed. And I dont think that's a coincidence. Ok so there's two sides to the story from the two. I am not saying im on Dr.Luke's side because i am an animal and i love Kesha with all my heart and i definately would fight for her. Im just trying to be unbiased and seeing both sides of the story and from what other artists view him as personally. Maybe what i said about her anger being taken to a whole new other level isnt true..but thats ok!! because it all comes from a perspective its just what i think that doesnt mean is true. Solid evidence is what makes it true and it can either save or ruin Kesha. Maybe even for life. But guys all this stuff that im saying, the majority of it is what I pulled out of the social media from what real people, specifically celebrities, are saying about this case and some are just my perspective..its what i think..im not trying to put solid facts because some may not be a fact at all. Meaning somebody is lieing im not going to choose which side i think is telling the truth or which one is lieing. But tell me what you guys think and ill reply to u asap. Byee!

Whats up guys I just want to discuss what is happening between Lukaz Gottwald a.k.a Dr.Luke and the famous singer, song writer Kesha Rose Sebert. I was going through instagram and saw at least one piece of the filed papers from the court in New York and there was also a link and i read what was happening. Some were the ones a lot of her loving animals knew already though i cant speak for everyone because who knows...maybe people just dont have interest in the real world. But thats not important! What really got my attention was a few things: Kesha was texting Lady Gaga about "some guy" who also raped Lady Gaga making Kesha not the only one on the victim boat. Now, i dont even know if it's true or not because since Kesha has been abused and faced MAJOR depression she probably just wants to take her anger to the point where she ruins Dr.Luke's reputation and his business not to mention that on twitter Katy Perry herself said that she never had a problem with Dr.Luke and doesn't see him as a rapist. And that says a lot because if one female artist has no problem then there's bound to have the majority of female artists who are in contract with Dr.Luke that don't have those kind of problems with him either except for the few who claims they had (not including Kesha). Also before you guys start going all loco coco by sayin "How is she lieing? She's a victim of a music producer..why would anyone lie about being raped?" Well there has been a case where a woman accused an NFL player of raping her and getting her pregnant. But fortunately for the NFL player he was pleaded not guilty litterally the guy either wore a condom (which rapists wouldn't usually do when they rape someone) or didnt have sex with her at all (it was a long time ago so the memory is a bit fuzzy) and the lady later on either got tested for her pregnancy or she got her period either way everyone knew she was lieing. Do you see my point? also dont ask why she did it because the answer will always be thats shes crazy. Ok so back to Kesha. On the other hand however, she did before claim that Dr.Luke did put something in her drink and then somehow she ended up naked on his bed. And I dont think that's a coincidence. Ok so there's two sides to the story from the two. I am not saying im on Dr.Luke's side because i am an animal and i love Kesha with all my heart and i definately would fight for her. Im just trying to be unbiased and seeing both sides of the story and from what other artists view him as personally. Maybe what i said about her anger being taken to a whole new other level isnt true..but thats ok!! because it all comes from a perspective its just what i think that doesnt mean is true. Solid evidence is what makes it true and it can either save or ruin Kesha. Maybe even for life. But guys all this stuff that im saying, the majority of it is what I pulled out of the social media from what real people, specifically celebrities, are saying about this case and some are just my perspective..its what i think..im not trying to put solid facts because some may not be a fact at all. Meaning somebody is lieing im not going to choose which side i think is telling the truth or which one is lieing. But tell me what you guys think and ill reply to u asap. Byee!

Hey guys...i know I talked about my relationships lately and in my previous entries, but today I'm actually going to start taking care of myself and start thinking about what I want to do since I don't have to focus on any relationships. First off I actually have at least a few ideas about what i want to do for a living. My first choice was to become a Veterinarian and go study on the fields of medicine and hands-on care for animals. I love animals and the only thing I ever want to do was help animals..maybe even rescue them...who knows..my second choice was to become an FBI agent and become a part of Special Agent group and to travel internationally to stop cyber crimes, international terrorism, foreign counterintelligence etc. My last choice was to become a street artist..and no i don't mean drawing graffiti and vandalizing private property (trust me there two types of people..ones who make art and actually sell them and ones who vandalize property..so..yeah people have different definitions with being a street artist) I want to be able to make artwork..i already got the basics and still advancing myself..well what i draw doesnt look very basic..maybe intermediate but i think some are pretty basic art work. However I'm still getting myself into making touristic art work for those who are new to FLorida and if they want something to remember their vacation on Florida they can buy my work for at least $20 depending on how big they want their drawing to be. If you want to see it its on facebook heres the link and you can guys can get a sneak peek --> https://www.facebook.com/My-Art-Gallery-1178730605573473/?ref=page_internal i made a page just for you guys becus honestly you guys know how to make my days and really give great advice when i need it and trust me i do read the comments and i enjoy every one of em so as a treat im letting u guys in on my little art collection its not much but more will be coming and btw if u guys dont have facebook no worries theres a link for twitter if u have one --> https://twitter.com/keshascrazgirl just check it out and tell me what you think..now im not sayin im perfect everything requires practice..im still practicing but please help yourself and enjoy it! 

Hey what's up guys..i know at least two days ago pretty much about how i remember, i have said something about being back together with my bf and how things are complicated between me and him. Now nothing is complicated anymore because just yesterday i have officially ended my relationship. To be honest i thought it was for the better anyway asides the fact that he is completely bipolar, he also smothers me alot! i can't deal with excessive hugging and constant kissing when it's not needed and litterally everyday single minute says "I love you" 24/7 there's not a day where he doesn't say it. He also doesnt listen and just stop respecting my wishes and instead just care about his needs. He constantly sends 20 texts a day just for reassurance that i still love him when i "did" (past tense duh) and whenever i just want to chill and watch a movie he's constantly on top of me whether he lays his head on my lap, sits on my lap, puts his arm around me. He litterally never lets me out of his sight and never lets go of me. Soooo...the fact that i left brought me to paradise and that i can finally breathe! and i know that sounds mean but give me a break will ya? i've already been thru hell and i don't want anyone complainin and tellin me how thats not half bad or how thats unfair...people are different and not everyone (though some) appreciates excessive hugging and touching and i'm one of those few that felt that way about it. I've been single and am still single even though half of my guy friends that i've known for a while did have a crush on me and actually two of em asked me out right after i broke up with him. I said no to them because....well...i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to go back just yet. I wanna live my single life until im ready to go back out to the dating world. So yes, things did get complicated but since i don't want to deal with them i just ended it and instead decided to live my own life...that's pretty much there is to it, i just ended it imediately and left i didnt want to face the pain or anything..thnx for reading guys plz keep reading my stuff and make sure to like and ill keep writing! Byees!!

Sup guys i left with having complications with my boyfriend. Appearently me and him had a huge fight yesterday (Friday January 20, 2017) and me and him ended up in a breakup. I won't go into details about what he said or did so i'll keep it confidential for his sake. It turned so bad to the point that i was in distress and just cried throughout my last two classes. At least my friends came around cheering me up and when i drove my brother to the chiropractor i told him everything that happened amd even he went to cheer me up. After i dropped him off and went home, i just went in my room, layed on my bed and just looked at my phone in his contacts. He was blocked of course but whenever i looked at it, at his picture from my contacts, i wanted to bring him back but i was too afraid he was gonna say somethin worst. So when my mom came home she asked what happened and i told her what happened except unlike the times i lost myself while explaining myself to others for some reason i didn't cry in pain becus all my tears was wasted and drained. She asked to borrow my phone to call him and i automatically told her no because he was being blocked so she did it on her phone instead and left voicemails. So she told me this "If a man talks bad about any woman, then he's no man at all. He's just an immature little boy who has no respect for himself and others. Don't cry over a guy who hurt you, he's not worth your precious tears. You need to stand tall with your head held high and to put your foot down. Don't let no guy tell you that you're nothing because you're worth everything and if he can't see that then he's not the guy for you" and i'll never forget it. So he came over to my house and they were talking about what happened and after they were done they asked me if i wanted to talk to him. In my head i said no but in my heart i was screaming yes but only because i want to let out all my pain and fustration at him but something better happened instead. He turned his cheek and told me to slap him and inside i knew he deserved it so...i slapped him..i slapped him as hard as when he gave me pain. So i watched him stand there...looking defeated and weak. He fell on his knees and started to cry and telling me over and over about how regretful he feels and how sorry he is. As i saw this happening, i couldn't help but think that maybe i did matter to him and that maybe his apology was true and not just a show. So, i looked in my heart and decided that i think what he tells me is the truth so i forgave him and took him back in my life. He stayed at my place watching tv, cuddling with me and ate dinner with my family. Fast forward to the next day i went to his house but even before we broke up sometimes he can be a pain but i deal with it but othertimes just like today he was being complicated and rude i tried not to let it get to me so i just sat on the couch wonderin how it would feel to finally stay single. I love him still but i just wanted to know how it feels to take a break i mean i wasn't the only one who thinks like that, my friend thought about that towards her boyfriend. But i'm sure i'll do fine, me and him are still working things out but i'm sure we'll be fine. Thanks for reading guys ya'll know how much i love it when you guys read my blogs so please keep reading my stuff and make sure to like them because i'll make sure to keep writing. Thanks again i love you my little pumpkin patch! ???

what's up you guys..happy new years by the way!..so..i know i havent blogged about anything lately mainly because i was too busy with school work, i was studying or rather more practicing for the ACT and spending time with my boyfriend. And speaking of boyfriend that's whats going to be the topic today...er..night..I love my boyfriend more than anything and always imagine us lasting together forever....but when i come across a beautiful woman..i end up remembering how i felt towards them the way i could never feel towards a guy. I know how my boyfriend is clingy and he wants me to do the same because he thinks im not a clingy person..which isnt true..im really clingy..but for some reason its only towards girls because i just cant find myself clinging to him in any way. I met this girl Micky..her name is Makayla but we call her Micky instead..so i met Micky through my friend Anna..it was during lunch and we started a small talk about this and that and color guard and yada yada yada..so two days later i see Micky again with Kendall and then Gabby was there yanno like the whole gang came together and whatever and so i just kept tellin her how cute she is..not in a I-Have-A-Crush-On-You kind of way but in a friendly way. She thought i was flirting with her and so when me and the gang went into the bathroom all i did was wait for them and Anna came to wash her hands and i was there next to her and then five seconds later I see Micky just fitting herself in between the sink on my side i thought it was cute because she just wants to be with us and when the gang went back to our seats, i have no idea why this happened but Gabby just spilled out loudly that im half gay..its actually bi but she finds it the same thing..and then Micky right away said that she was bi too..and to be honest i actually did like her at fir<3st sight because she's legit hot as f***..but as usual i like to play it cool and just act like nothing's up..so anyways...im not saying i have a crush on her because litterally alot of people will look at someone and think they're attractive but they wouldn't actually date the person it's like a straight woman looking at another straight woman that finds her ass attractive but it doesnt necessarily mean she wants an intimate relationship with her..that's kinda like me towards Micky..but even though i wouldnt find my self in a relationship with her i gotta say it feels good having that sort of loving feeling towards a woman..but what confuses me most was after i had that feeling, i wasn't sure if i was REALLY bi..sometimes i think I'm lesbian because of the lack of intimacy i have towards men that i barely show them any affection or interest..which by the way im struggling with towards my boyfriend...i didn't want to believe i was completely lesbian because that would mean throwing out the only guy who would give anything to make me happy..but if it does turn out to be true then it won't become a good happy healthy relationship because he's gonna suffer through the pain and heart break i gave him and im gonna have to live with it because i can't change myself or my feelings..just like a straight man can't turn gay....a bi, possibly lesbian, cant turn straight..im always feeling myself leaning more towards women..now i dont even know if my feelings for him are real or true and me him have been dating for 5 months now and im still not finding myself being intimate with him..i dont kiss him very often..and even when i do we makeout in his car but its hard to find myself actually falling for his kisses..like i dont feel anything from him...im still fighting at what could be the truth of being homosexual..i try to avoid being in a relationship with girls because i know im gonna find myself clinging to her and becoming really affectionate...and what's worst is that i can become very vulnerable and my heart could break easily when im like that..i know it's wrong leading him on..but im trying hard not to...i know its mean and a little cruel to lead guys on like that..they dont like it..and to them they feel like their girls never cared for them..and i dont want my boyfriend to think that way of me..i try my best to bring him out to get coffee together, watch movies together, go eat somewhere together..and i think tomorrow on friday im gonna bring him to the South Florida Fair thats about to open..so those of you reading this please dont think im leading him on..i care about his feelings and im sensative towards guys because i know how it feels to be led on...i thought i knew who i was and what i wanted...but.. i guess im still struggling to figure it out...i would like to tell you more but as you know things get pretty complicated because i still havent told him about it because i dont want him to doubt this relationship so now im back at square one to figuring out who i am and what i want...thanks for reading guys it really means alot i really enjoy knowing you guys read them because it encourages me to write more...you guys are amazing please like this and i love you! bye my little pumpkin patch! :D     (BTW ignore the spoilers down below because there no spoilers i just accidently clicked on it then when i want it to go away i thought clicking it again would but it made it worst so)

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ok guys...its that time of year again where i dont act crazy and have the need to tell you my struggles cos you know....the struggle is always real wen im around and im not sure why so lets get started. Ok so, for the people that know me (ik you guys dont but thats not a big deal thats wat socializing is for) they think of me as this wild, funny, out-spoken chick but little do they know with every happy present came a sad past. I was NEVER out-spoken or even socializing for that matter when i was younger and im talking like maybe 13 years old maybe younger. Anyways, i was always that one kid in the back of the room who is quiet and doesnt like to socialize with ANYONE unless someome came and talked to me (which rarely happens and wen it does happen it always comes with insults) yes i was an ugly child (or i was told i was one anyway...boys were a bunch of shit eaters cos all they ever do is talk shit) anyways asides from the trouble i was having with socializing, i honestly didnt know how it felt to have a real friend except the only true bff i ever had was wen i was litterally in second grade and we couldnt last long together becus she had to move to Georgia and that left me well...alone. Ever since then i was having trouble making new friends and thats where we fast forward to 5th grade where i was litterally pushed around, insulted everyday, always isolated during lunch (it wasnt even a choice)....yea...not my hottest year. Fast forward to 8th grade things got a little better...or so i thought. My old middle school didnt accept homosexuality, bisexuality or anything thats not straight so my life gotten worst. When i had my first gf i had my first kiss as we and it didnt end well for me not for her (i wuldnt bring her down with me anyway) and my parents were involved and wen i walked into the office i saw my mom crying and my dad stand there in disbelief however when we made it home they never punished me or anything just told me that they're disappointed in me. To be honest they shouldnt be disappointed becus loving the same sex shuldnt be shameful or something to be hated on it shuld be supported and if there r ppl who disagrees oh well they guna have to deal with it regardless. 2 years later as a sophi my mom eventually accepted me to like women. And of course you guys know my bf cos hes the one i showed to her and i was only a grade higher than him so he was like a freshmen and we already knew what happened he did things and i was depressed blah blah blah. Fast forward to now which i am now a senior im kinda still pretty bummed out becus i really dont wanna live with my parents at this point and there r still things that i have to deal with luckily theres no people involved so yay me and thats pretty much what happened in the past and now. Btw i just want to thank u guys for readin my blogs i really appreciate it and i really do hope u guys keep reading them becus i have a lot of other stories to share so ill see ya later pumpkin patch! ❤

alright you sick fucks...this is how its guna go down..my friend who is about to turn 18 in just 10 days is tryna find a gf and i told him i will help him get a nice gf. One who isnt crazy (maybe just a lil crazy) one who doesnt know alot about relationships, one whos laid back and wont text and call 24/7 or stalk his shit cos everyone knows that guys dont like that shit (well at least most of em dont anyway), also one who's OBVIOUSLY around his age he doesnt like liars lieing about their age cos who wuld asides sickos yanno? also DO NOT  comment "why cant he go on dating websites?" its cos dating websites r for sick fucks who dont give 5 monkey asses to pedro's soul if that doesnt make sense its becus the whole point of its nonsense is that dating websites dont make sense cos ppl always put false information. Now, for any single gals out dere lookin for a nice gentleman plz hmu like message me and shit. Alright little pumpkin patch always remember if u find urself on a dating site ur prolly either high af or u didnt get a degree cos u aint smart enough to know how terrible those places are. Also dont do drugs

ok so, its been an ok day...nothing emotional happened so dont worry but i was out like litterally all daycry7 first visiting my old schools like my elementary and middle school and stuff and then we went to pick up my nephew which was great cos now he gets to sleep over. And then we went to do my hair and finished what we've started before we went to new york last week and when we came back thats when we finished. But then we went to the shop called uBreakIfix to fix my phone that i dropped in the toiletrip4sob1during my time in NYcry4cry3cry5dead2 (i know it was a tragic scene and i tried to fix it by putting it in rice and it didnt work so i was lied to #thestruggleisreal)kesha2 but they couldnt fix it so my phone has gone to phone heaven (RIP from 2016-2016 im just really bad at taking care of my phones) and then we had to go to some hair shop to buy this special shampoo and conditioner to help keep my silver hair color from fading and let me tell you that was hella expensive like litterally it costed $9.95 for the shampoo one and only $11.99 for the conditioner i didnt like the pricefall6. And then after we finished all that we picked up my brother from his football practice and just went for ice cream because that was honestly the most rainiest, hottest, sweatiest day of my life and usually icecream helps so i mean who doesnt like ice cream asides from lactose intolerant people (well thats not tru some ppl like that like ice cream) and people with no souls? Anyways that was my day and i really hated it cos it was UNEVENTFUL  like my gawd who could live like this? well anyways i gotta go my little pumpkin patch luv u!! wub1

ok you little shits this is how its guna go down... now i know you guys been reading my blogs about stuff like heart breaks and my abusive boyfriend and crap like that and to be honest i was having such a depressing year so im sorry if i was bumming u guys out. In this entry, we just gonna discuss how awesome i am than you and that u will never be as awesome as me im just kidding im a little shit too so dont worry we all suck equally. OK, so how do i start? uhhh well im usually more of an upbeat kinda gal and incase you guys were wondering about my last blog, yes im bi im more girl-crazy than i am boy-crazy so i could possibly be more of a lesbian but im not because i still love dudes because boys are awesome and they're the kind of people you can get down with yanno? i dont mean like down and dirty i mean just talk to them yanno?..because not a lot of girls can understand dudes like dudes been misunderstood for not being able to listen to women and instead just looks down at their tatas yanno? but since i have nothing for them to look at they just have no choice but to listen to my problems all day kesha1 lol i know im kinda slick that way. Which is why i keep losing my boyfriends...not my girlfriends though they dont care wat i have they just there for....idk sex i guess...i mean boys are too but i just never fuck em cos im just not into that...like i remember this one time this happened in one of the comments in youtube this guy wanted to do a one night stand but i rejected his offer cos who knows he could be a predator or a rapist yanno? so i told him i didnt wanna do it cos i wasnt into that kinda shit with a guy. nicki1  yanno now that im saying this out loud i could possibly be a lesbian becus if im not interested in a guy's body or even interested in having sex with them then maybe women are for me. Anyways, im not gonna put in a lot of time into this entry so now you guys just know how im not always a bummer i mean i can be funny and upbeat as well and im really good at making new friends and socializing with different people yanno? im the kind of person who can make anyone laugh even at the toughest time when they dont even WANT to laugh when they rather slouch in their couch crying and being upset about things and its not just towards friends i know how to make strangers laugh and trust me if you give me a chance to get to know me i will make your day like nobody else has. ok one more story, i actually remembered barely even knowing this girl and in just 5 minutes i made her laugh so hard she teared up and she told me "It's been forever since i laughed like that" im guessing she's been through a lot so she needed someone to make her day. So i hope you guys enjoyed this i will be blogging again soon! LUV U MY LITTLE PUMPKIN PATCH! (<-- lol dont judge this is how i show love xD)

We've all been through dates and such and then end up finding that one person you have great connections with who end up breaking up with you in the end. Then you go and ask yourself "DO I EVEN HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE?!" well let's not go that far. I always go out on dates whether its a guy or girl and eventually i saw this girl and my GOD she was the most beautiful being i ever seen. Her smile could light up a giant room from 100 miles away and can have such a contagious smile it can make anybody's day. Anyways, when i first laid my eyes on her my breath was taken away from my lungs i thought i was gonna have asthma (lol). When i first approached her MAAAAN i was making a fool of myself but hey at least she said yes when i asked her out so that's gotta count for something. Anyways, for a few days me and her were dating i couldnt help but get crazy about her but i try not to even though i can excessively call her or text her and sometimes stalk her instagram and snapchat (she didnt make me this way i was always crazy) so yea i gotten a little crazy but fortunately i was lucky she even liked crazy girls. The first time she broke up with me, i was seriously out of control and the break up only lasted for one day and that's when we got back together again after she realized that she made a mistake and realized how much i meant to her and that me and her just decided to get married in the future and i know what you're thinking "why the hell would you even think about doing that?" well i was stupid so there really isnt a straight up answer i just wasnt thinking right. Anyways, our relationship only lasted for 3 months so it wasn't very long and then she broke up with me the second time and at that time i didn't lose control or anything i was very calm but at the same time i was heart broken. So after a few days of me being single i decided to do one night stands with different women but i gotta tell you like litterally sex isnt everything and it isnt always going to put two people together automatically because it can destroy a person's well being and what people dont understand (and i wasnt thinking of it at the time) is that sex should be between you and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sex is a beautiful thing but people tend to abuse it and it ends up turning into something ugly. Anyways, i was turning into a complete hot mess of myself like honestly i forgot how to have self control...you know what i mean right? i was acting crazy doing all these terrible things to myself it was a total wreck. Anyways, so we broke up and at that point i just wanted to give up because women are terrible and dont get me wrong im a woman too and im also terrible so i do believe that terrible people shouldnt be together but at least i can make an effort to be loyal and to stay with that person because i know how much i mean to that person and that they mean so much to me. i honestly feel bad for all the good men that try to be there for their girl and their girl is so ungrateful so they decided to leave them i know those guys dont wanna be gay or anything i just wish they have a sign to tell them which girl to take and which girl not to take. Im still struggling to actually move on but im only human so its going to take me a while to detach myself from my ex love. If anyone else is having trouble moving on just hmu and we can get through this together.

Accused Much?

Alright so we've all been accused of something...whether we did them or not. I have been accused of attempting sexual relationships with a girl. Obviously she didn't like me from the beginning and all i was trying to do was be nice to her. I guess she hated me because she was hearing from other people that im bi and instead of ignoring the fact that i like both genders she decided to ignore the nice gestures i was giving her. I never liked her like that to be honest, im only nice to her because well i saw her all alone and i thought she needed a friend. Everyone goes through hard times and sometimes everyone needs a little laughter or a friend to cheer them up. So, after i was accused my mom and dad gave me hell after o told them what happened. They never believed me. Of course as usual everyone believes the person that played the victim card instead of the one who was accused. I never raped her or touched her in anyway i always kept my hands to myself because everyone deserves respect for their personal space. Anyways right after i was accused and been given hell i was to avoid showing my face to that place ever again..and guess what that place is? it was a church!! that shuldnt be a surprise because often churches gave themselves a bad title of being judgemental, homophobic unacceptable human beings. Its a sad life im living but i hope it gets better soon.

Everyday im in school and everyday people critizise the way i live my life. *sighs* i know u guys hear these types of problems before from lesbians and gay men...and even from bisexuals who goes through trouble and especially through trans. But even though same sex marriages are legalized or being legalized i just feel deep inside that it still isnt accepted by everyone. People always ask me "hey do u think that girl is cute?" or "would u scissor her?" and tbh i was so embarressed and humilated and felt ashamed of myself. Why would ppl go out of their way to be rude and ignorant and not consider other ppl's feelings? my parents gave me hell as soon as they found out i like women (idk how else to say this but im bi not lez) my dad told me how dissappointed he is all becus he found out i kissed my gf in school (shes now my ex..but we're frends now)..so even my parents were against me..they never bothered sticking up for me but instead just started looking down at me like im someone who doesnt belong, a black sheep, a lost cause. But that was all happening in middle school. In high school wenever i start talking to a girl ppl would come up to me and ask if i was dating her. Or even if i did have a girlfriend ppl would pass by and mumble under their breath something like "eww" or "gross" or "girls shouldnt date girls". people would give me and my partner disgusted looks. I have never been more uncomfortable in my life i mean i was so insecure. Alot was happening and i thought everyone was my enemy..that there's no one there that wuld ever see me as a person instead of this "faggot" as they say or "dyke". Yes i like women and yes i make mistakes cos after all i am human. But kissing a girl and falling inlove with one was never my mistake. It was my purpose. I was born this way and like Jackie Robinson once said "I'm not concerned if you like me or not...all i ask is that you treat me like a human being". I hope this whole homophobe charade wuld just stop and that one day ppl will realize that we're just like them, we just like different things in others. 

Ok so...most of you guys know what goes on in high school. Theres always that one couple that have sex in bathrooms but eventually gets caught, theres potheads, drama queens (groups who are always dramatic about everything), there are cliques with the most prettiest girls (there are at least 3 or 4 of them at my school and they really dont get along well with eachother), there are the athletes (boys and girls with high expectation of being better than others but some dont have good education...and they say theyre better), There are the Freshmen Druggies (they dont have to do drugs to be that they just wear tails and think theyre cool and some of them are actually freaks), There are also anime geeks and pervs, fuqboys, girls who dates every single guy(sometimes more than one and they also called sluts), there are really weird lesbian groups, Goths who are way into death metal (emos were usually in middle school) and then theres desperate pervs (guys or girls who wuld date anyone even if the person theyre dating is the most ugliest person in the universe even if its not a person it can be a mop and they will still date it). Soo..yea life gets pretty crazy now and then. sometimes annoying. Ever since my friends moved to Orlando or New Jersey..or even went to prison (i think one of them died but that was from a different incident not the prison part) things havent been the same. Some were better now that my ex bf (the crazy abusive one back from one of my blogs i told u about) has went to boarding school. Ever since that happened i never been more happier. But other than that more and more people are getting fucked up a little more everyday. I was fucked up too. I made bad decisions and i mean really bad. But i never did drugs or anything i dont believe in seeing that doing drugs will make u cool cos it doesnt it just..its stupid. But we all make mistakes i mean we're human wat do u expect? we cant all be perfect. For those of you middle schoolers who are on their way to high school. Be afraid be very afraid! lol im just kidding theres nothing to be scared of. High school is just another phase everyone goes through until u hit college, things may get a little challenging becus of the classes but other than that im guessing is just u being on ur own without anyone holding ur hand (not litterally). Also dont make any assumptions about high school the way u see in movies (same way im not making assumptions about college i try to do good in life without expectations) becus some of it isnt tru..i already told u wat kind of ppl there are but i never told u that in high school u can do watever the hell u want if ur senior with a car or a junior with a car (thats me!) or just becus ur 18 ur allowed to break any rules and think that u know how to handle urself without ur parents (cos there are some that dont and they are really immature and they really need their parents pronto). Im 18 and im still living with my parents and not acting crazy as to living in an ugly apartment. i mean if u can make it go rite ahead but im just saying. See? im telling u things change wen ur in high school and theres guna be a bigger change wen ur in college. People change, perspectives change, ur parents bank account changes becus u probably towed ur car or put it through an accident. Alot of things change though im being serious about the money changes..its very expensive to get a car fixed and im surprised that there are some ppl who didnt know that. Anyways im hoping that once i graduate and get to a good college i just hope life would get better after that. So thats my story of high school...i mean i would make it longer cos theres more to it than wat i just said but im pretty sure ill let them figure it out more on their own. So thanks guys for reading my blog i hope u keep reading them cos that gives me inspiriation to make more. And before i forget i am getting started on writing about what i can have more in common with ppl. So if u have any questions that u want to know about..if its either ur confused with something or anything really..please put that in the comments and ill make sure ill include that in my blogs. Thanks!!

For the Abused

This is the story as when i had an abused experience. So i started dating this guy and he was the most kindest and sweetest guy i ever met. He would spoil me with gifts and always appreciate our cuddle times. He was the best boyfriend ever and i thought nothing bad could possibly happen. Well..at least thats what i thought. He would always go where i go and know where i am 24/7. He would also come over to my house. Sometimes uninvited. But i didnt see anything wrong with that. We dated for a year and my mom one morning was telling me that she was worrying that he might be developing an obssession towards me. I was dumb enough to not believe her. But i started thinking all those times he was following me, first of all he knew every single one of my classes and he comes over uninvited. Uh oh something is wrong! and then i began to worry. I dont do well with clingy guys (no offense but they arent my type) so knowing that information i broke up with him. And being dumb once again i thought that once we broke up everything will be done and over. I was wrong. Big time! He started harrassing me to date him again and started making me do things that i dont want to do because it pleases him. And when i dont do it he would start calling me worthless and pathetic and tell me how stupid i am and start telling me that no guy would love me or treat me good as he does. I soon began to grow depressed and started to suffer so badly that i became suicidal. He would even use my mom to go and make me date him. But i didnt want to go with that abuser. A day or two later my mom read my texts and found out how badly he was treating me. So like any mom she saved me by threatening him that she would call authorities if he doesnt stop harrassing me. Eventually he stopped. lucky for me now he hates me for letting her see our texts. Alot of people arent as lucky as i am. I know how hard it is to speak up against abusers. I was afraid of speaking up because i was afraid he might use people to go against me and hurt me. But i was lucky...this time. Next time i wont be if im not careful. By the way #FreeKesha some of us are in the same boat as her. Some abusers would take it as far as to rape their significant other..and sometimes its not from the significant other sometimes it can be your co-worker. We have to stand up for Kesha's freedom. Dr.Luke cannot get full control on her. Sometimes in life you got to learn to fight back! It was brave of Kesha to tell the world what he did to her and now we have to help her fight for it! Let her rise! and make Dr.Luke and Sony fall and pay their price

i dated my ex for almost a year. He thought everything was fine. Until to the point i broke up with him. Of course he yelled at me and broke out crying. And even begged me to give him a kiss. I refused and so i moved on. Appearently he didn't. During those horrible abused and suffering six months that he put me through, I couldn't think of a way to make him stop. So i offered my friendship to him. I did that only because so he can leave me alone. Unfortunately for me he didn't he still went on and on about how i would never find a guy like him (which is the whole point of the break up is to not find anyone like him ever) and how he is a tech and how much of a good husband he will be and all that bs. But honestly i never had feelings for him. I only dated him because i had pity for him not because i liked him. This whole battle between me and him went on for at least 7 months. And it still going on now. I have a boyfriend who makes me happy and then as usual whenever my crazy ex hears about me dating someone (which i don't know how he knew but somehow someone told him) he gets angry and tries to steal me away from my date. And usually i reject him...alot! and when he gets rejected he usually goes to his little idiotic dick friends and tells them oh "My ex had sex and now she's pregnant" or something like that..all i do is tell him thats very immature for a guy to talk bad about a girl. It takes a real man to take a hike and accept that the girl is happy with someone else. After a bunch of yelling and insulting here and there i decided to go for a solution. I told him "you say we're meant to be but really we aren't even dating first of all and second of all i already love somebody else. This is just life's way of saying that we are not meant to be.We've tried to date and we failed and tried being friends but you wouldnt accept it because all u want to do is date me so i guess this means in order to stop fighting its best if we stop communicating" he didnt respond after that. But when he does i hope is something positive and that he understands....Well that's my story..i tried many times to be nice but it just never works..so some people weren't meant to be friends after all. Thanks guys for reading and more blogs will be coming your way with some of my other interesting stories that i have in stock but haven't told yet. 

You guys may know me has Harley Queen...but its actually Harley Valentine (i just like having the word Queen as my title cos i always wanted to rule Africa and ride elephants while wearing an indian chief head wear)...u can call me Harls for short..uh lets see. my friends but mostly my boyfrend calls me the Queen of crazies..not sure why though but i learned to accept it..i love animals...like owls and baby chamelions and stuff...i have a big appetite but some think i cant gain weight even though i know im fat...i love parties especially wild ones..cause..there r some parties that arent wild but i still go cos of the food..i love to draw and play music i think painting is fun cos i love getting my hands dirty...im nice wen theres respect but i am a walking ticking bomb so..shit will go down wen im angry..other than that i can be sweet as a marshmallow and cuddly as a teddy bear! theres more to know about me but i think the next time i make a blog entry im guna make sure its something else

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