I don't know who of you will read this. I am posting this on another forum too, where some people of this forum go too, and it would seem fair that I share my story here too.
Maybe this is also a little bit for myself? I have been in a really bad place these past few weeks and maybe writing this off will help me with my healing process? I am also sorry to all of my friends on here, especially to the royal squad. I'm sorry that I was never able to tell you guys. But I just can't.
Trigger warning! Do not read this if you are sensitive to explicit stuff.
I was raped.
There I said it.
And this is actually the first time I said it.
I haven't been able to say it or write it down for at least two weeks now. I really want to tell you the story. In my hometown, on every Monday in the summer vacation there is a festival in a park. It's very nice, a lot of underground artists in Holland come to it and perform a set. After this festival, there is always a few afterparty's at local bars downtown, because you know, it's summer vacation so everybody will be free the next day. It's honestly one of my favorite things in the summer vacation. Two weeks ago, there was also another event. There was an Indonesian market downtown where you can buy Indonesian food, eat it and basically where Indonesian people come together. Keep in mind that this is close where the afterparties of that festival are.
So my friends and I were going to one of the afterparties. It was really fun, we were a little bit drunk though, but not too much. At the afterparty, we met some more of our friends and I saw this guy standing at the bar. We were outside and he was looking at me with his friend. They came closer to us and introduced themselves to us and we basically had a good time. With one of the guys, I was going into a conversation about how I was gay and that he was gay too, but not out for a very long time yet and I thought he was cute. After some time, he asked me if he could go somewhere private, because he wanted to kiss me and get to know me. I was so naive in thinking that somebody would like me that way, so yeah, I agreed to go with him. But as soon as we were distanced from the afterparty, he started to get a little bit more agressive. He wanted to have sex with a guy, because he never had it. I got really uncomfortable and as soon as we were walking past one of the Indonesian tents (they were abandoned), he pushed me inside one, put me on the ground and did his thing.
It was terrible. It was horrible. And I tried to fight him off, but I didn't work. At some point, I was finally able to get him off me. I tried to run away, but he grabbed my arm again. We went some place further and we kissed. Why would you ask? Because he was so agressive and I thought that if I would do what he wanted, he would just let me go. He was under the impression that I liked it and that I just wanted to stop because he had no lube. So we stayed there for a little and I was trying to hint that my mouth was dry and that we should get some drinks. So we walked back to the bar, together, and I even bought a fucking beer for him. As soon was he was on the toilet, I walked to my friend and explained what happened. One of them called the police and I did a notification and they asked the guy to leave the place. After that, I got REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fucked up drunk and spend the night at my friends place.
I didn't press charges at the police. I can't. I just can't tell this story to anyone. I tried to tell my psychologist, but I just can't. Nobody, apart from like 4 close friends, knows that happened. It's just something I need to forget and deal with, but I just can't seem to do that. I have been drinking and using other stuff so much lately, just to numb the pain. Some of you will tell me to go to some serious help, but I just can't tell anyone. Also because it is all just my fault. I should have NEVER EVER gone with him.
So yeah, I'm really REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry for putting up this facade. What I want now, is that you don't treat me differently, like I'm some kind of doll or something. Because I am not. I just needed a place to write this down I guess.