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TRIGGER WARNING: I'm sorry

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I don't know who of you will read this. I am posting this on another forum too, where some people of this forum go too, and it would seem fair that I share my story here too.
Maybe this is also a little bit for myself? I have been in a really bad place these past few weeks and maybe writing this off will help me with my healing process? I am also sorry to all of my friends on here, especially to the royal squad. I'm sorry that I was never able to tell you guys. But I just can't. 

 

Trigger warning! Do not read this if you are sensitive to explicit stuff.

Spoiler

I was raped.

There I said it.

And this is actually the first time I said it. 

I haven't been able to say it or write it down for at least two weeks now. I really want to tell you the story. In my hometown, on every Monday in the summer vacation there is a festival in a park. It's very nice, a lot of underground artists in Holland come to it and perform a set. After this festival, there is always a few afterparty's at local bars downtown, because you know, it's summer vacation so everybody will be free the next day. It's honestly one of my favorite things in the summer vacation. Two weeks ago, there was also another event. There was an Indonesian market downtown where you can buy Indonesian food, eat it and basically where Indonesian people come together. Keep in mind that this is close where the afterparties of that festival are.

So my friends and I were going to one of the afterparties. It was really fun, we were a little bit drunk though, but not too much. At the afterparty, we met some more of our friends and I saw this guy standing at the bar. We were outside and he was looking at me with his friend. They came closer to us and introduced themselves to us and we basically had a good time. With one of the guys, I was going into a conversation about how I was gay and that he was gay too, but not out for a very long time yet and I thought he was cute. After some time, he asked me if he could go somewhere private, because he wanted to kiss me and get to know me. I was so naive in thinking that somebody would like me that way, so yeah, I agreed to go with him. But as soon as we were distanced from the afterparty, he started to get a little bit more agressive. He wanted to have sex with a guy, because he never had it. I got really uncomfortable and as soon as we were walking past one of the Indonesian tents (they were abandoned), he pushed me inside one, put me on the ground and did his thing.

It was terrible. It was horrible. And I tried to fight him off, but I didn't work. At some point, I was finally able to get him off me. I tried to run away, but he grabbed my arm again. We went some place further and we kissed. Why would you ask? Because he was so agressive and I thought that if I would do what he wanted, he would just let me go. He was under the impression that I liked it and that I just wanted to stop because he had no lube. So we stayed there for a little and I was trying to hint that my mouth was dry and that we should get some drinks. So we walked back to the bar, together, and I even bought a fucking beer for him. As soon was he was on the toilet, I walked to my friend and explained what happened. One of them called the police and I did a notification and they asked the guy to leave the place. After that, I got REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fucked up drunk and spend the night at my friends place.

I didn't press charges at the police. I can't. I just can't tell this story to anyone. I tried to tell my psychologist, but I just can't. Nobody, apart from like 4 close friends, knows that happened. It's just something I need to forget and deal with, but I just can't seem to do that. I have been drinking and using other stuff so much lately, just to numb the pain. Some of you will tell me to go to some serious help, but I just can't tell anyone. Also because it is all just my fault. I should have NEVER EVER gone with him. 

So yeah, I'm really REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry for putting up this facade.  What I want now, is that you don't treat me differently, like I'm some kind of doll or something. Because I am not. I just needed a place to write this down I guess. 



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I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You had no idea that this guy would be a rapist so don't go blaming yourself for feeling wanted. I know it's hard to tell anyone right now but in time this will get easier, especially the more times you speak up about it. You're one of the strongest and most bravest person I know, you'll get through this. There's no need to apologize for not telling me, although you should know that, I'll always be here if you need someone to talk to.

I love you bbe hug1

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I just came across this. As Entea said, you don't owe any of us anything to begin with, therefore you shouldn't apologize for not telling us this story first-hand. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I think you really should consider sharing this to your psychologist who'll probably do a better job than us to help you heal/deal with this trauma. We love you and admire your openness about the struggles you've been facing. <3

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You don't need to say sorry for anything. This is something you need to say when you are ready to, like you did today. I don't have anything much to say other than that we care about you. katyanna1

 

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don't be sorry :( we care and were always here to listen! im so so sorry about all of this. have you thought about maybe copy and pasting this into a email or showing this post to your psychologist maybe it'll be easier ? we love you!! pls stay safehug1

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being raped is NEVER EVER your fault. i am so sorry you had to go through this and please don't be sorry to anybody about telling your story. as terrible as this seems, you will come out stronger on the other side and you will make it through this, i know it. if you ever have the courage, go talk to someone, whether it to be just to let it off your chest, or the police. get this terrible man off the streets before he can go for anyone else. he needs to be prosecuted for what he did to you, and i'm sure there will be someone you can find to help you put him away, and to help you get through this. once again, this was never and will never be your fault. do not ever blame yourself for this and please take care of yourself. never be ashamed if you need to talk to someone else, or to vent to someone. if you cant find anyone around you irl, im always here to listen and try and offer advice. please stay safe and always take care of yourself, thats always the most important <3

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I am so so sorry that this happened to you. Rape is never your fault, and you deserve to be heard. I'm sending you so much love. hug1

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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Rape is a traumatic experience and You can PM Me If you need some support hug1 

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I just read this, rape is never your fault. I am really sorry for you and if you need someone to talk to my PM is open hug2

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Let us get one thing straight, sis, it clap1 is clap1 not clap1 your clap1 fault clap1

I understand why you haven't giphy.gif charges because, let's face it, the justice system when it comes to rape isn't amazing and the stress of the scrutiny must be awful. However, you deserve much better than to drown your sorrows. I think talking to your therapist would be a good first step as you could probably do with a professional objective opinion right now. I hope they will also help you to come to terms with it.

Kissing him and buying him a drink makes sense given the circumstances. You have smart instincts and I'm glad that you used them to GTFO of the awful situation. But what are your instincts telling you now? To speak to your therapist? To talk to the police? It's easy to fall down the drink and (I assume) drugs route, but that will not help you in the long run. I'm sure there are online support groups available for things like this, as (judging by the post), talking about it to absolute strangers might be beneficial for you. 

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