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1 year ago (part 2)


Desnudate

1,350 views

August 2015

After the things happening in July I had to cool it down for a moment. This month was me recovering what happened. I just did some things with friends. Got my mind off the whole 'love' thing. At the end of the month I started Tinder again. I got a couple of matches. 1 of which I had in the beginning of the year too. We lost contact, but we were a match again. He told me he just broke up with his ex, which he met on Tinder, the same time we were talking on the app too. After the most cute conversations we had we decided to drink something together. In the beginning of September.

September 2015

Even though July 2015 was probably the month with the worst things happening to me, September 2015 is the most painful, thanks to the memories. Me and this boy had our first date at a cocktail bar. It was completely empty and we were the only ones there. We had this amazing conversation and most of all: he was perfect. Like literally, looks, personality. He was everything to me. At one moment he swifs himself closer to me saying "I'm going to sit a little closer to you now, alright?" It sounds so stupid, but the way he said it was so cute. I mean, I immediatly knew what was coming. And this time I was ready. We kissed. For a such a long time. You know that feeling that you get kissing someone and it feels like you are the only people on the world? Well, it helped we were the only one in the cocktailbar. After kissing for an half hour he asked me to come home with him. He lives 5 minutes away. I did it. At his home we kissed some more. Just kissed. It felt so amazing. It was so amazing I didn't wanted to leave, but I did, because we both had school early that next morning. 

The next day, in love like I was already, we decided to meet again. This time just at his home, watching some movies. I can still remember he sent me: "Pick some movies. But don't make them hard to understand, I know I will be distracted enough." Did he really say that? Was he going to be distracted by me? I noticed. This time I was in love. With the July guy it was because it was my first time, but this time I really felt something different inside of me. I went to his house, but when Limitless (you know that quite okay movie with Bradley Cooper) was only 5 minutes in we were already kisisng like crazy. At one point we even just left the movie for what it was and we did some "other" stuff too. Just some jerk and blow... I felt so amazing in that moment. I felt like I was worth something.

In next couple of weeks we stayed like this. With me getting more and more in love. We did some more meetings in the cocktailbar (it became sort of our place) and we went to a musical together. After that musical we went to his home again. This time to have some official sex. And this time I had to do some new stuff again, since he was taking it. I was literally terrible, but he was so sweet about it. We were both the second person we had sex with, so we had that connection that we both understood each other.

Everything felt right, until after the second time we had sex on another night. Something terrible happened. I said some words that you don't need to say that quick. I said. "I love you" 

I knew it was bad when he didn't seem to react on it.

October 2015

We had a new date planned. Just at his home again. Watching movies. But when the date came upon, he said he had some serious family business. It was kind of awkward, because we didn't talk for a whole week and I was so looking forward to the date. He then said the next day was possible too, so I became happy again. Only a day waiting. What could go wrong?

Well, the next day I came into his house. We talked such a nice conversation for 1 hour. Then I kissed him and asked if anything was wrong. We didn't talk for a whole week, what was the reason for that? He said there was nothing wrong. Until I asked him again.

"Well...maybe there is something"

I can still remember the feeling. My guts. I was literally about the throw up. Even though I was ready for something bad, I was expecting it since we didn't talk for a whole week and that didn't happen before, I wasn't ready.

"It's about you saying I love you to me. It made me realize you are into this different than I am. You want a relationship. I'm just out of one. I have to be honest, in the beginning I thought I was ready and you were perfect, but as of now. I think I need time. I am not ready yet."

I can still remember I was silent. Silent for more than a minute. What was happening?

"So...we are over?"

"I guess so"

The man that I literally thought was my 'one'. The one I was supposed to find in 2015 just told me he didn't want to continue with me. What we had was great. For me. For him, it wasn't enough. 

I can still remember I laid there in his arms for over half an hour until I decided to go. The moment I was on my bike I called my best friend. The moment she answered I cried my eyes out. The first time she actually heard me cry. I was heartbroken. The first time I ever felt something like that. I felt incredibly sad. One moment you have it all, one moment you are back at the start.

Just when you thought you were over the finish line, you were disqualified.

It was October 2015. My heart got broken, basically for the second time. I was still nowhere knowing what the feeling was of being loved by someone. I loved someone, but was not loved back.

October 2015, only 2 1/5 months left into finding 'the one'

It was that moment my hope declined. I am afraid I am not going to find it this year. 

Maybe never. 

 

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What kinda one-two punch brit2 I fucking hate guys like that. Start dating me, text messages, late night calls, make love, then one day tell me there's nothin between us. 

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