October 2015

I really had a hard time coming back from the heartbreak. This guy had given me so much, everything I was looking for. He was a musician, playing in quite a big band (they are literally growing in popularity and fame in Europe as we speak), was a secret Mariah and Whitney fan (which I am now too, thanks to him...), was the only other person that stanned for the tv-show The Leftovers and was just beautiful. Why did it go wrong? Why did it happen to me at this moment? As of today I still cannot let it go. I kind of have a feeling I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. He was The One That Got Away. 

The rest of the month October I tried everything to forget about it. A week after the breakup I got myself a new date. Everyone around me, including myself, thought it was a really stupid idea, but I had to do something to get over the guy. This date I knew from before and I basically knew it was nothing. I came to realisation soon enough when we meeted. He was incredibly tall and was kind of the bitch type. And guess what? it was a really stupid thing to do, because this guy showed me why I was so in love with the other one. The september guy was a little bit shorter than me, which made him cute and was basically one of the sweetest guys I had ever met. Even though the breakup was hard and uneasy, I knew he had a hard time with it too and tried everything from breaking my heart. This date was a complete disaster and I told him the truth after it. 

November 2015

In November I got the feeling I was losing the feelings from the september guy. I still felt it, since everyone in my surroundings knew how I felt about this guy, so everyone knew I was having a hard time. But things started to fade away. Halfway through the month a new guy came across me through the dating website for Gays in The Netherlands. I felt awful being on there, until this guy. He was really nice, made a lot of jokes with me and was just a nice guy to talk to. It was the exact kind of thing I needed at that moment. We decided to go on a date. We drank some. It was a nice evening. He was cute. The next date we decided to have some dinner. Again. It was cute and nice. The moment we said goodbye I did my thing. I kissed him. Let me give you a reminder: this was the first time I kissed a guy by myself, with my own intention. When I walked away I had to think about The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. I felt infinite. 

Since you already know how things go with me this doesn't come as a surprise. We decided to go on another date, but I got the feeling he wasn't that much up for it. He then told me he thought I was a really nice guy, but he had the feeling I thought of him different then how he thought of me, just a nice guy. We decided we let the third date go. 

As of this moment I was used to the rejection, but after September, this was my deepest low. I can still remember I messaged all my friends saying "That's it. I don't believe in it anymore. I guess I am too ugly, too plain, just not sexy, not funny, not cute, there is something. So it's now time for you to tell me what it is. Because if they see it, you see it too". I was done. I was exhausted. I tried and tried and tried, but everytime I get to the point I like them, but they never like me back. Ofcourse my friends said there was nothing wrong with me and said "you will find it eventually" or "you are only 21". Normally these things got me back up, but the last part of November I was at my deepest low. I was off to a depression. Everyone finds love, but it looks like I will be the one getting left behind.

December 2015 (The Last Month, The Last Chance)

And then it came up to this month. December. The last chance. I had given up all my hope. And I was done with it, but still. There is always a little hope. I started the apps up again and I got some new matches. 2 which I really liked. One of them told me already got a guy he was dating, otherwise he would have definitely given me chance. Fun fact: we are seeing each other, but as friends. I may have not found love, but it has given me a really great new friend. 

The other one, was up for a date. He looked perfect, sounded perfect, but hey, I am not going to let myself get to this anymore. Keep it slow, don't expect much. He worked at a movie theater and decided I would pick him up from his work and then we would have a dinner and a drink somewhere. I can still remember he sent me "You know what, I am very happy you started talkling to me. I am not the kind of person who steps up on people asking them to go on a date. I'm shy like that." I thought it was so sweet and cute. We had the most amazing date, it came up on par with the September guy. At the train station I asked him what he thought, if he thought there was a second date possible. He then gave me a little kiss, saying 'I thought a kiss would give the right idea about what I think of a second date". I stepped on the train, smiling from ear to ear. WAIT! Don't. It can go wrong tomorrow. It will go wrong. Don't expect it to happen in the last month. Are you stupid? Yes. I am stupid. I expected it to happen in the last month.

When I came home we talked for 3 hours straight through messages and planned a second date. It was 1,5 week away, but he was very busy with work and school, it was hard but it had to be that way. And, he was worth the wait. We talked everyday, he even talked with me during work. Until after the party he had at work. The talking started to get less and less. I knew it was coming. The turning point I had with every date. I knew it was coming. 

1,5 week later. I told him I was very excited for the date. I waited so long. And then I got a message. A very big message. The kind of message that even though you haven't read it, you already know what could have be in it. I decided to translate it all and put it on here:

"Awh. I also like we meet again...although I must say that on the party with work last thursday i kissed with a collegue. I fancied him for a while now, but it never came upon something. As of this moment we decided to start dating and meet again. So I do like meeting with you again today, but basically with some other intentions then last time. I really hate saying this, but I want to be honest with you, we talked about that last time. I didn't wanted to hide it for you, I wanted to talk about it tonight, but since you said this to me I thought I had to say it now."

I waited 1,5 week. The party where he kissed was 2 days after our first date. 1 week before the second. He waited 1 week to tell me this. He let me wait and then say it 2 hours before the official second date. I was angry. I was sad. This. This was almost more terrible than the breakup. This was pure cruelty. 

In the last month of the year I was suppose to find my one. I was pushed away. Again.

He told me he wanted to stay friends, which I tried in the beginning, but I just couldn't live with what he had done to me. He gave me the feeling it was going to be fine with the kiss. He knew I was anxious about dates. And then this happens. This guy probably hit me the most with his words. 

December 30th 2015

And now we are here. I am at the exact same point I was last year. My friends beg me to differ. "But you had dates this year, you kissed guys, you has sex." Yeah i did all of that, what did it give me? Heartbreaks, depression, no hope. 

I am not sure if I will make another wish tomorrow. As of now I know these won't come true. They are pointless, they are make believe. You just cling onto them hoping it will come true. But they won't.

I started this blog, because I wanted to know if this happened to more people. And then I'm not talking about heartbreaks and everything, because I know everyone has those. But for me, it hasn't gone right still. I am 21 and I never even had a relatonship (with a guy though). What is the problem with me that everytime it starts amazing it ends bad? 

For 2016 I am going to keep up with this blog and I truly, truly hope. That one day I can write the best blog of them all, telling you I have found him. 

But thinking really honest and true about it, I am not sure if it will happen in 2016, looking at my history of 2015.

Should I make a new wish again?