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I thought I knew but...


Harley_Queen

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what's up you guys..happy new years by the way!..so..i know i havent blogged about anything lately mainly because i was too busy with school work, i was studying or rather more practicing for the ACT and spending time with my boyfriend. And speaking of boyfriend that's whats going to be the topic today...er..night..I love my boyfriend more than anything and always imagine us lasting together forever....but when i come across a beautiful woman..i end up remembering how i felt towards them the way i could never feel towards a guy. I know how my boyfriend is clingy and he wants me to do the same because he thinks im not a clingy person..which isnt true..im really clingy..but for some reason its only towards girls because i just cant find myself clinging to him in any way. I met this girl Micky..her name is Makayla but we call her Micky instead..so i met Micky through my friend Anna..it was during lunch and we started a small talk about this and that and color guard and yada yada yada..so two days later i see Micky again with Kendall and then Gabby was there yanno like the whole gang came together and whatever and so i just kept tellin her how cute she is..not in a I-Have-A-Crush-On-You kind of way but in a friendly way. She thought i was flirting with her and so when me and the gang went into the bathroom all i did was wait for them and Anna came to wash her hands and i was there next to her and then five seconds later I see Micky just fitting herself in between the sink on my side i thought it was cute because she just wants to be with us and when the gang went back to our seats, i have no idea why this happened but Gabby just spilled out loudly that im half gay..its actually bi but she finds it the same thing..and then Micky right away said that she was bi too..and to be honest i actually did like her at fir<3st sight because she's legit hot as f***..but as usual i like to play it cool and just act like nothing's up..so anyways...im not saying i have a crush on her because litterally alot of people will look at someone and think they're attractive but they wouldn't actually date the person it's like a straight woman looking at another straight woman that finds her ass attractive but it doesnt necessarily mean she wants an intimate relationship with her..that's kinda like me towards Micky..but even though i wouldnt find my self in a relationship with her i gotta say it feels good having that sort of loving feeling towards a woman..but what confuses me most was after i had that feeling, i wasn't sure if i was REALLY bi..sometimes i think I'm lesbian because of the lack of intimacy i have towards men that i barely show them any affection or interest..which by the way im struggling with towards my boyfriend...i didn't want to believe i was completely lesbian because that would mean throwing out the only guy who would give anything to make me happy..but if it does turn out to be true then it won't become a good happy healthy relationship because he's gonna suffer through the pain and heart break i gave him and im gonna have to live with it because i can't change myself or my feelings..just like a straight man can't turn gay....a bi, possibly lesbian, cant turn straight..im always feeling myself leaning more towards women..now i dont even know if my feelings for him are real or true and me him have been dating for 5 months now and im still not finding myself being intimate with him..i dont kiss him very often..and even when i do we makeout in his car but its hard to find myself actually falling for his kisses..like i dont feel anything from him...im still fighting at what could be the truth of being homosexual..i try to avoid being in a relationship with girls because i know im gonna find myself clinging to her and becoming really affectionate...and what's worst is that i can become very vulnerable and my heart could break easily when im like that..i know it's wrong leading him on..but im trying hard not to...i know its mean and a little cruel to lead guys on like that..they dont like it..and to them they feel like their girls never cared for them..and i dont want my boyfriend to think that way of me..i try my best to bring him out to get coffee together, watch movies together, go eat somewhere together..and i think tomorrow on friday im gonna bring him to the South Florida Fair thats about to open..so those of you reading this please dont think im leading him on..i care about his feelings and im sensative towards guys because i know how it feels to be led on...i thought i knew who i was and what i wanted...but.. i guess im still struggling to figure it out...i would like to tell you more but as you know things get pretty complicated because i still havent told him about it because i dont want him to doubt this relationship so now im back at square one to figuring out who i am and what i want...thanks for reading guys it really means alot i really enjoy knowing you guys read them because it encourages me to write more...you guys are amazing please like this and i love you! bye my little pumpkin patch! :D     (BTW ignore the spoilers down below because there no spoilers i just accidently clicked on it then when i want it to go away i thought clicking it again would but it made it worst so)

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WhewT. the essay jj3

 

anywhore oprah4 I think that if you give your current relationship a bit more time, you may find yourself being intimate with him again or w/e. jj3

ive only been in a relationship once, and it suckedT oprah4 it lasted about a month and we did legit nothing dead4 we never kissed but we've hugged and held hands a few times but not enough dead4 He broke it off saying that he didnt feel a connection anymore, which i kinda get now dead7 

 

 

ok, enough about me dead4dead4

 

I'd say wait a bit longer for things to unfold, see where your current relationship leads. if theres anything you dont know about him, go on another date or schedule a dinner and talk about personal things and whatnot. If you find out that you definately wanna break up, try to let him go as gently as you can, soften the blow. And if she does like you in that dating kind of way, see where that leads. (after you break up with him obviously dead7 )

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