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FOTPers as Real Housewives

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By now, most of my online friends know that I've recently become a Real Housewives aficionado. A lot of people don't really get it, and they think it's strange that someone like myself with other more highbrow interests and pursuits would be so captivated by it. Some might even scoff at me, a self-proclaimed feminist, finding entertainment in a franchise dominated by catfights that often include hair-pulling and wine-throwing. I would tell those people that Real Housewives is much deeper than it appears to be on the surface. If you think about it, it has far more in common with Shakespeare's bibliography than it does with its fellow reality TV programming: it features some Montague-Capulet level family drama, an Ophelia-style mental breakdowna tragic heroine eventually consumed by her own ego, and even a witch straight out of Macbeth.

With this post I hope to match some of my favorite FOTPers with the Real Housewives they remind me of! I will also include a video of them in action at the end of each entry. This is just for fun, so if you get offended easily either suck it up or leave creep1

 

@Anna-wa - Lydia McLaughlin, Real Housewives of Orange County (seasons 8, 12)

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Much like the most recent recipient of FOTP's Nicest Member award, Lydia is a sweet, humble, down-to-earth and witty church girl and isn't here for the ongoing drama between her castmates. Her shade is so smart and subtle that the other Housewives don't even realize it, and as the only sane cast member of her respective season the viewers could easily relate to and root for her. x

 

@Sylk - LuAnn de Lesseps, Real Housewives of New York (seasons 1-5, 7-9)

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In the first season of RHONY, the Countess introduced herself to the audience as a condescending and pretentious manners-obsessed prude. The other Housewives instantly called bullshit on this on-camera persona, and over time the cracks began to show and LuAnn was exposed as a nymphomaniac drunkard who loves younger men and stirring the pot with the other wives behind the scenes. Once she finally owned up to it, LuAnn became a fan favorite and the star of her show. yas1 x

 

@Hannah - Lisa Vanderpump, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (seasons 1-7)

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Not only is Lisa the breakout star of RHOBH, but she is also an executive producer of her own show, Vanderpump Rules, where she runs a tight ship at her restaurant and keeps her sexed-up waiters and waitresses in line. Lisa's sense of humor is cold and cutting, but hides it under a charming British accent. She is easily one of the richest Housewives, and her sense of style can be summed up in three words: pink, diamonds, and extra. Lisa is a fierce mama bear to her children, and every Housewife who has gone up against her has mysteriously been booted from the show. x

 

@#Music - Ramona Singer, Real Housewives of New York City (seasons 1-9)

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There are not even any words that can accurately begin to describe how batshit insane Ramona Singer actually is...but that's exactly why we love her! From her disastrous attempt at walking the runway during New York Fashion Week to her various Pinot Grigio-induced freakouts, there is never a dull moment with Ramona and no matter how messy she can be at times, we always forgive her because she's so much fun to watch and is the crazy best friend we would all love to have. x

 

@Royalty - Erika Girardi, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (seasons 6, 7)

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Erika is the fiercest drag queen on the planet stuck inside a straight woman's body. Her pop music career is funded by her lawyer husband who is 32 years her senior, she is an underground gay icon, and her glam squad follows her wherever she goes. She always keeps it real, proclaiming that she "wants to eat salad like those Beverly Hills bitches, but [she] just can't" and her favorite dance move is patting the puss. x

 

@Royale - Kandi BurrussReal Housewives of Atlanta (seasons 2-9)

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In one of the craziest cities of the franchise, Kandi is level-headed and plays the role of the only sane one. It's a miracle that she hasn't lost her mind after all these years when dealing with real-life cartoon characters like NeNe, Kenya, Porsha, and Phaedra. As one of the Real Housewives with the most going on outside of the show, she has also penned enormous R&B hits like TLC's "No Scrubs" and Destiny's Child's "Bills Bills Bills" and has achieved a successful solo career. x

 

@Kuba - Carole Radziwill, Real Housewives of New York (seasons 5-9)

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Carole holds the distinction of being the only Real Housewife to have won three Emmys and a Peabody Award. When Trump supporters whine about the wealthy coastal liberal elite, they're talking about Carole. She also happens to be a Kennedy, a former Princess of Poland, a marijuana enthusiast, and a cat lady. She is the real-life Carrie Bradshaw when it comes to fashion, dating, and her career, and is always in the know on what is hip and cool. She also isn't afraid to drag the Countess for utter filth. x

 

@Taylor - Tamra Judge, Real Housewives of Orange County (seasons 3-12)

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Tamra is the self-professed "Hottest Housewife in Orange County." She is an evil, twisted, heartless, sadistic, demonic witch who thrives on drama and ruining lives. The Jaws theme music plays inside everyone's heads whenever she enters the room, and for good reason. She has been both best friends and arch-nemeses with every single cast member in the show's history, and switches her alliances like night and day. She invented the Real Housewives wine toss, told her husband she wanted a divorce on camera in the back of a limo, and pimped out her son to a drunk Gretchen Rossi while her fiance was dying of cancer. She is the Maleficent of the Real Housewives. x

 

@Maraj - Shereé Whitfield, Real Housewives of Atlanta (seasons 1-4, 8, 9)

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Until Claudia Jordan arrived in Atlanta, Shereé was the only Housewife who could successfully rise to the occasion and knock NeNe's monstrous ego down a couple of pegs. Shereé has gifted us with so many iconic moments: "Who gon check me, boo?," "Fix that face," and literally snatching Kim Zolciak's wig off her head to name a few, and her voice and facial expressions are always hilarious. The other Housewives are always making remarks about how hot she is, and they're not wrong. x

 

@Daenerys - Camille GrammerReal Housewives of Beverly Hills (seasons 1, 2)

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Camille got a nasty villain edit her first season when she was going through her divorce from Frasier, and received lots of backlash for comparing herself to Jesus and having four nannies for her children while not seeming to have a job. But by season two, she had undergone extensive media training and turned her entire image and reputation around into one of the most beloved Housewives. Just for hosting the Dinner Party From Hell that resulted in a verbal beatdown between Faye Resnick and Allison DuBois, St. Camille of Grammer will always be a legend. x

 

@TattooedHeart - Dorinda Medley, Real Housewives of New York (seasons 7-9)

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Dorinda is the Leslie Knope of the Real Housewives, if she were a New York gangster who loves hard drinking. She is love and light and everything pure in this world, but she could also go berserk on your ass if you cross her and her family. She is an ocean of contradiction, being fiercely loyal to all of the other Housewives while simultaneously stirring up drama with them. She hasn't gotten physical during her time on the show (yet), but I can imagine that she would destroy any given one of them in an altercation. x

 

@Malfoy - Teresa Giudice, Real Housewives of New Jersey (seasons 1-7)

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Never had any reality show ever covered so much of a single person's life so extensively until Teresa came along. They should just rename RHONJ to the Teresa Giudice Show, because she is the star and the other Housewives are blink-and-you'll-miss-it extras in the background of her fabulous Jersey life funded by mail, wire, and bank fraud. But despite all of Teresa's legal troubles and messiness, there's something so captivating about her as a person and you can't help but root for her from her stage mom antics to her endless battles with actual sociopath Danielle Staub. x

 

@Aidan. - Bethenny Frankel, Real Housewives of New York (seasons 1-3, 7-9)

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Bethenny comes off very intense, but she has good intentions deep down. She was the relatable audience surrogate in the first few seasons of RHONY, the struggling thirty-something trying to figure out her career and love life and wondering if she could really ~have it all~. Eventually she got exactly that: her Skinnygirl cocktails company skyrocketed and she made millions upon selling it, she left RHONY to pursue her own reality show and talk show, she finally met the man of her dreams and started a family, and returned to the show that started it all. x

 

I might do more if I feel like it, so don't worry if you're not here. cry6

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Tamra is the self-professed "Hottest Housewife in Orange County." She is an evil, twisted, heartless, sadistic, demonic witch who thrives on drama and ruining lives. The Jaws theme music plays inside everyone's heads whenever she enters the room, and for good reason. She has been both best friends and arch-nemeses with every single cast member in the show's history, and switches her alliances like night and day. She invented the Real Housewives wine toss, told her husband she wanted a divorce on camera in the back of a limo, and pimped out her son to a drunk Gretchen Rossi while her fiance was dying of cancer. She is the Maleficent of the Real Housewives. x

Couldn't be more accurate! 

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@Royalty - Erika Girardi, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (seasons 6, 7)

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Erika is the fiercest drag queen on the planet stuck inside a straight woman's body. Her pop music career is funded by her lawyer husband who is 32 years her senior, she is an underground gay icon, and her glam squad follows her wherever she goes. She always keeps it real, proclaiming that she "wants to eat salad like those Beverly Hills bitches, but [she] just can't" and her favorite dance move is patting the puss. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

I AM SCREAMING AT THE ACCURACY OF THIS! THANKS FOR COMPARING ME TO THE GODDESS THAT IS ERIKA! SHE'S SUCH A SASSY DRAG QUEEN I LOVE HER SO MUCH yas2 Also, I'm patting the puss every saturday night yas2 

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Throw me to the fags, and I shall return with all of them turned straight!
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On 5/31/2017 at 10:51 PM, Quill said:

I'm looking forward to see which Housewife I get. cry6

Part 2 is in the works wendy1

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