I have no idea where to start, but I know I have to do this. I can’t bottle up these thoughts and feelings any longer; I need to release them so I can move on with my life and be one step closer to finding inner peace. If you aren’t interested in what I have to say that’s perfectly understandable and I respect that, but if you’re willing to hear me out your time and attention are much appreciated.
Now that the school year is over, I’ve had so much more free time to reflect on myself, specifically on my past. College has been the best time of my life so far, and one of the many opportunities it bestowed upon me was a distraction: a distraction from the pain of losing some of my best friends. They no longer wanted anything to do with me, and while in hindsight it had been bubbling up for a while, it was sudden and unexpected to me at the time. I felt betrayed and humiliated that my group of friends had seemingly conspired against me, but schoolwork and student life forced me to put it on the back-burner and confront it another day. It helped at the time by making me too busy to give it any thought, but it also never allowed me to properly deal with what I felt. As a writer I’m naturally very structured and organized, and I think all great stories should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Mine had the first two, but the last few pages were just ripped out of the book entirely. I never got closure with my friends, whether it was “Have a great life, I wish nothing but the best for you” or “Fuck you, never contact me again.” If I had to guess, I’m sure their response would have been much closer to the latter, but even that would have hurt less than the deafening silence I received.
Two things that I really wish we could have done before parting separate ways were apologizing and forgiving. Looking back, our fights were so petty and stupid that I don’t even remember the details of what they were about, but I’m sure I was at fault most of the time. I’m not going to shift the responsibility from myself by saying I’m pretty much a different person now, because even though I may have changed a lot since then, it was still me. Instead, I’m going to own up to everything that I did wrong during the time period that we knew each other:
- I’m sorry for calling you ugly and insulting your appearance.
- I’m sorry for treating you like you were dumb and making of you for not knowing certain things.
- I’m sorry for acting like the queen bee of our group and dictating everyone else’s choices and actions.
- I’m sorry for being so obsessed with whether you or your faves did something “problematic.”
- I'm sorry for using not having eaten as an excuse to be nasty and mean.
- I'm sorry for being able to dish out criticism but not take it.
- I’m sorry for talking about you behind your back to our other friends.
- I’m sorry for trying to get you to fight my battles for me.
- I’m sorry for not being able to admit when I was wrong.
- I’m sorry for being jealous and controlling, and assuming that we were an official romantic item just because we both had crushes on each other.
- I’m sorry for continuing to mention a toxic and unhealthy environment that we left and would all be much better off not thinking about.
- I’m sure there’s more, so to cover all the bases I’m sorry for every way I’ve ever hurt you.
I also forgive you for every way you’ve ever hurt me, because there are almost as many. Life is far too short to hold onto grudges, and they’re not worth my energy. It’s not my place to tell you that you can’t continue to think of me in a negative light though, so if you don’t accept this apology then that’s fine too.
We have little to nothing in common these days, but if you were to reach out to me today I would be completely open to having a conversation and catching up. I don’t see us ever being close friends again, but I think it’s always important to be civil with someone in the long run no matter how much you dislike them in the present. Harboring resentment and ill will only leads to bitterness and bad karma, and my life is going way too well for me to allow either of those things to poison it.
As much as the dissolution of our friendship hurt me, I strongly believe that it needed to happen in order for me to grow up and change my ways. I definitely regret how I handled things with you, but I learned so much about myself and how rewarding and fulfilling the world can be once you stop being a drama queen and just enjoy life. I’m in a much better place now, and the only thing that’s missing is being able to share it with you. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for hearing me out despite what your opinion of me may be at this point in time. After I publish this I have no future plans of ever acknowledging you again without your initiation, so if this is it for us, I hope you’re doing okay, I'll never forget the good times we had together, good luck with your future endeavors, and goodbye.