First of all, let me say this blog is basically me complaining about my own life. Which is basically every blog nowadays, but this specific thing, I need to get it off my chest. I really hope some can relate to my story, if not, that frightens me...
1 year ago. I left the closet. It was the first time I actually realized I was gay. I told my best friends. It felt really awkward and I can still remember I said: "This will never feel normal to me. I hate it and I hate myself. I cannot believe I will ever be able to live with this fact. Goddammit!" Well, I took me a couple of months and then I was completely fine with it.
New Year's Eve. I let up a wishing balloon. I don't believe in such stuff, but hey, it doesn't hurt to try. My wish, well you are actually not supposed to tell, but since it didn't come true: My wish was to find 'the one' in 2015. That was my goal. To find that one person that would make your heart pump more blood in it then ever before. That one person that when you see them you kinda want to throw up. Not because you are sick, but because you are so nervous by seeing them. Yes. It sounds very stupid, but I believe in that stuff. That even though you look sick as fuck, leaking mucus because you are having the flue and there is still this person that loves you in that moment. That it just feels right. I believe in that. So that was my wish.
I was ready to get my wish. I installed all these dating apps. Grindr. Tinder. I made a profile on a big gay website in The Netherlands. It was going to happen! Well, not for at least 6 months. I was doing my internship and therefore was so freaking busy, I couldn't sometimes find the time to get myself to do these apps. I talked to some people, but it never came to some dating. With Tinder, I had such little matches, it kinda freaked me out. I was feeling better and better about being gay. Accepting it. Maybe even loving it, but it seemed like no one was loving me. No one liked me. No one thought I was attractive. Was I actually ugly? Or was I searching too much? The only thing that could give me an answer was a date.
And then it happened. I got a new Tinder match. He was amazing! He didn't really looked THAT attractive, but he was cute. He looked like the exact kind of guy I was needing at that moment. The conversations were amazing. We clicked on so many levels. Almost too good to be true. My first date. It was happening. We went to the cinema together. I can still remember I was so afraid when I walked to him. I saw him standing there in these AWFUL shorts (it was summer and hot, but still!) and suddenly I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Quite the 'tough fellow' I am I continued walking towards him. and he was so nice! We had the most amazing time. After the theater we just walked across the lake and it was just. nice. cute. Couple of hours later he asked me to watch a movie at home with him. That was the moment I stopped. This was my first date. I am not that kind of person. Even though he was amazing and cute. I am just not the kind of person that sleeps with someone right away. I am a virgin. I haven't even kissed with a boy yet. So we said goodbye, swearing however we would meet again.
And we would meet again. The very next day already. We were both having holiday. He invited me to have dinner with him. He wanted to cook for me. How cute! Was this really happening to me? He picked me up from the train station. Showed me his home. And then we were sitting there on his couch. He leaned towards me and he kissed me. WAIT. He gave me a kiss and then he stopped. "Uhm. You kissed before right?" I was so ashamed. "Yes...I did, but only with girls!" Which wasn't a lie. I did have kissed with girls, but, like, 4 years ago. I hadn't kissed for 4 years. and the first time I did again was with a boy. Which was totally new. I took my chance however and showed him I could actually kiss. It was a nice evening. A great movie. And then he asked me to come home again. 'Just for a while'. This time I did. That evening. Big things happend. I gave my first blowjob. I got my first blowjob. No 'official' sex though. He knew he was my first. He probably didn't wanted to ask me. But it was amazing! It was the moment. I. Well. I fell in love.
The next morning. He told me was going on vacation. It kinda hurt me. He was going away for 2 weeks. I had to forget about him for 2 weeks. But, he assured me. I got to text him all the time. He would have loved that. He gave me the feeling it was mutual. Maybe he loved me too. Is that possible? In only more than a half year I completed my wish? Looking back at it, I feel so stupid. How could I have been so blind. On that very specific vacation he slept with over 3 guys. How I know? He just told me when on text. Like it was nothing. I was heartbroken. Is he serious? Was I that blind? I was nothing more to him than someone who he slept with. I told him I was actually in love with him and he said he doesn't really fall in love with boys anymore. He got his heart broken twice. He doesn't wanna go there anymore. Bitch, please.
Even though this was one of the worst things I had ever come across with, I still kept in touch with him. I spoke with a friend and she told me: "Well, why don't you use him just for sex either? I mean, you have no experience? This is your opportunity to get that." I told her that I am just not that kind of person. In this gay world of SEX. I am the one that is out there looking for love. For someone to share my life with. Somehow her words got to me. And by the end of his vacation we set up a new date. A more...exclusive date. He was going to fuck me. At this point in my life I was just so close into getting there, he wanted to do it. Why not? He picked me up at the station again. Got to his home and just did our thing. It hurt, like everyone tells you, but I actually liked it too. The next morning. I was gone. Standing on the station again. I can still remember I felt so sad. So empty. So dirty. What the fuck did I do? As of this point in my life I have never spoke to him anymore. I do have him as a friend on Facebook. Guess what? He has a boyfriend now for 2/3 months already. "I'm not doing love anymore" my ASS stupid motherf*cker!
It was my turning point. Sex dates are a no go for me. It just doesn't work for me. I am not that kind of person, I already knew it before trying it.
From now on I am only going to do dates that will bring me somewhere. Somewhere closer into finding love.
I only got a half year left into finding 'the one', completing my wish.
It was only the beginning...