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Harley_Queen

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About Harley_Queen

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    Certified: Warrior

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  1. This isn't a cry for help...but something that I want to connect with you guys

    Have you ever felt like something's wrong with you? As if you're not good enough? Do you ever think that other people are better than you because there are things that they can do that you can't? I feel like that everyday. I feel that I don't really have the same mind set as anyone else, like I can't do anything right. I'm not smart, I probably don't know how to solve problems by myself. It's like I'm unable to do anything. But I'm not in a wheel chair so I can walk, I have hands and arms to reach and grab things. But that's not the issue, the issue is my mentality. I wish I was like other people who knows how to work hard and think straight. I don't know why God even punished me like this I don't like the way I am, I never asked to be born, why do I feel like I don't belong or that I'm a waste of space? Sometimes I'll have nights where I cry, feeling sorry for myself and that I'm not good enough for anyone or that I'm too much. I don't know why I have people who care about me (friends, family etc) when all I do is cause trouble or push them away. I was trying to escape from home, not caring if I die in the streets because all I wanted to do was not exist anymore. I would always have thoughts of self-harming because all I wanted to do was feel pain, and the more I cause harm to myself maybe eventually I'll lay on the floor not being able to feel pain anymore. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because I'm no one to have a pity party. To be honest, I'm not super open about how I feel so telling you guys these things really help me. Thank you for reading I know I don't come often because of so many things I'm dealing with but as always stay in tune with my blogs you guys know I enjoy you reading them and giving them likes. You guys are my little pumpkin patch and i love you!
  2. Hey whats up you guys i know it has been forever like almost a year since i havent blogged theres actually a list that i have right now its not much but anyways i would like to congratulate Kesha for her newest song "Praying" which was released July 6, 2017 if you HAVENT heard it yet (though im sure majority of you have) check it out on youtube! you can also download it on itunes, spotify, amazon music and google play. I cant wait for her album 'Rainbow' which will be released i think in......actually i dont know when it will drop lol but if you guys have any idea please leave a comment down below and i will take a look at it and the next time i blog i will definately talk about it. Anyways, onwards to todays blog! i have been playing the single pringle role for far too long and i think its starting to get to me. Lets see, did i ever tell you guys that i'm finally enrolled in college? it's not much but it is a start im enrolled in PBSC a.k.a Palm Beach State College because i have no idea what i want to do as a career so im starting off with having Criminal Justice as one of my majors 👏👏👏👏 yay to me i finally made it thru high school without dropping out (tho i had been thinking about doing it but its a good thing i havent) by the way you guys i know i made it as a joke but dropping out is no laughing matter for as you can see im one of the few in the family (mostly my dad's side my mom went to college but just like me she was the few who even made it pass highschool and made it to college as well) to even made it to college. My dad was a drop out with a G.E.D, my aunt did the same practically all of his family were drop outs (except for me) so he was really proud of me for staying in school and making it to college because just like any good parent he just wants the best for me. As i was saying yes i have made it and im very proud and hopefully i will make it to a university like FIU or maybe FAU i dont know but i will have to work hard and see. Another thing i would like to get off my chest is im getting noticed on youtube however i dont want a bunch of subscribers if im not able to even reach my laptop so i have to wait to find available time to even go on it and not only that i got to figure out this really cool screen recorder its called OBS (you can look it up right now if you like) and let's look at reality i'm not good at tech stuff so if i have time and my laptop with me i can always go on youtube and figure that stuff out. But the point im trying to get across is im getting subs and im so proud of myself and so i really want to achieve becoming a famous youtuber so that i will be better noticed for my videos and then i could go into further achievements like selling my own merch, going to vidcon and meeting fans..Im a little obsessed with attention and being noticed for what i do (just like how im so obsessed with love but we will talk about that another time) and i know this takes time so until then id have to wait so that i can make some adjustments to make my channel look nicer and more professional like other youtubers..by the way if you are a very well known youtuber (known for gameplays and rps) please i would like some advice on how i should make my channel look nicer and how i should record my videos..like is there a special way i should do my intro? my outro? is there a better way to record that i should download and install instead? let me know right away and i will take into consideration. wow that was a mouthful but enough of that i just wanted to get all that off my chest. I guess that is all i have to say for today i hope u guys enjoyed this blog. I will blog again sometime this week if im not busy. I love you guys...your my little pumpkin patch (pumpkins will always be my favorite) 🍊 i know it looks like an orange emoji but if you use your imagination it could be a delicious little pumpkin. Okay i will see you guys next time i love you! goodbye! 😚😚😚
  3. I didn't know i had an overdose

    Hey guys I have no idea how to say any of this but a few days ago i had a drug overdose (i can't remember what the pills are called though but please keep reading) and had a really bad seizure and ended up with a swollen black eye (which i can't explain how I got it so nobody even knows how it happened not even me) and ended up in the hospital and just stayed there for 3 days. It was the most miserable 3 days in the hospital of my life (then again who would enjoy doctors pinching all over your arms with needles and dealing with an IV that ended up giving you a huge ass bruise? and nurses waking you up in the middle of the night just to take your blood pressure? someone not human that's who). Ok let's back up the beginning of february where i was sitting in my Psychiatrists office. He prescribed me with pills that has 300 doses (which I was suppose to have) but i felt that wasn't enough so I asked him if he could give me bigger doses but he warned me that it wasn't very therapeutic to prescribe bigger doses than the ones already prescribed to me. But i urged him to because all i wanted was to have a better way to focus so he prescribed me with pills that have 450 doses (which yes its too much) he told me how unwise it is for me to take this much doses but i was so naiive i didn't bother to listen all i wanted was to be more attentive so i risked it anyway. Two weeks later i was sitting in my classroom just listening to my teacher telling some story but unfortunately that's all i remembered doing because the next minute i started waking up (appearently i found out i fainted not to mention my uncontrollable body shaking) confused and nauseous and i was taken to West Palm hospital to find out why that happened and the doctors said that happened because of stress and lack of eating (because remember we didnt think it was the pills that was doing this so we still had no idea) so when i came home i tried eating more and tried to lessen my stress level and to be honest i thought i was doing a good job. Until two weeks later i was in my room just looking at my dog because i just love how fat and fluffy she looked and then 20 minutes later i woke up on the floor with my left eye barely even opening and just hurting super badly and then i started feeling nauseous and i wanted to vomit in my bathroom but i couldn't move or get up so i ended up vomiting on the floor and then when i finally got the strength to get up to go to my bathroom, i heard the bathroom light on (but i never checked if it was locked or not mainly because i was in the state of not being able to think straight) so i thought someone was in there and instead just ran to my mom's bathroom and she asked me what happened (but i couldnt tell her because i wasn't even speaking direct english like nothing i was saying made sense) and then i just vomitted in her toilet, i couldn't carry my own weight so i held the sides of the toilet bowl with my hands (again i wasnt thinking so it didn't cross my mind that it was a gross thing to do) and then i started to wipe my saliva off my face with my hand (again i didn't know i was doing it) and my mom just told me to wash my hands and i did and when i looked up at the mirror i wanted to know what it is i was feeling on my right eye and when i removed my hair to see it my mom gasped and just yelled out to my dad to call 911. I was so confused as to why she would call 911 (i wasn't thinking it was a big deal) so they did and repeatedly my mom asked me "who am i?" "who am i?" and i kept telling her "my mom" "my mom". Then the ambulence came and they took me to St.Mary's hospital and i had to stay there for 3 miserable days. I hated the food, i hated getting shots, i hated the IV the ambulence guy did to me because thanks to him i have a big bruise on my right arm and i complained about it to the nurses so they had to fix it but she screwed up three fucken times and so then this male doctor came and it only took him one time so it kind of helped ease the pain a little. Still hated it though. Anyways all day i was in bed but i had visitors (my mom stayed the whole time) my dad came everyday to see me, my uncle came to see me and my boyfriend came to see me too. I remembered crying that second day i was there and my uncle, dad, and even my boyfriend just comforted me telling me everything will be ok even when i didn't feel it was going to be. I was so miserable i hated pain, sometimes i think of death as an alternative because everyone knows that once you're dead you won't be able to feel pain anymore. But i knew i had to pull through so i did no matter how much pain i was feeling physically and emotionally or how weak i could even walk or pick up my own weight i knew i was stronger than that i don't just fall down easily unless someone pushes me. I never knew when to stop at things until i know i can overcome it and when i want to achieve something i never stop until i do and my achievement for that case was i pray to God that i would be healthy enough and that my results from the MRI would be good enough for me to get the hell out of that hospital. I was lucky i got out before noon the next day ( i was SUPPOSE to get out the night before but they didnt tell the nurse the results from my MRI in time) and i couldn't be happier. Unfortunately the effects are still in my system: forgetfulness, constant drowsiness, mood changes..i can't remember the rest im so sorry guys if i had the list i would've kept going. Anyways, this is my second day being out of the hospital and ever since that day happened my mom would never leave me alone (which is good) she would check up on me every so often and would never leave me alone at home because she's scared that it might happen again if she's not around. I hope it never happens again and asides from that whole fright train overdosed fiasco, what really hurt me was watching my mom's heart break infront of me. I'm sure no mom appreciates watching their kid suffer from having seizures all because of having an overdose that they didn't know it was what really caused it. I still feel it was my fault that this happened to me. If I have never urged my Pyschiatrist to give me a bigger dose, none of this would ever happened, i would still be well without a black eye, without seizures, oh and did i mention i can't drive for 6 months because of fear that i might have a seizure if while im driving? (yeah i know it sucks..great now my parents have to drive me places like im someone without a liscence). Well, im still suffering from the effects but at least i don't have to go to school until my black eye disappears so i guess i can sleep longer in the mornings. Thanks for reading my blog guys...please keep reading because i enjoy writing to you. Before i forget..the stuff i said about Kesha and Dr.Luke, i didn't mean to imply that Kesha was a liar..in fact i wished i would take back that whole entry im so sorry guys if you took it to offense that i made you think im against her, im really not im all about #FreeKesha also i want to wish her a happy bday! i already posted a happy birthday wish on twitter (i wish i can do the same on instagram but something went wrong so i can't really post anything or comment on anything on instagram) anyways thanks for reading i'll definately see you next time i start blogging..bye i love you all
  4. My Life (just something to let out)

    Hey what's up guys...today I just want to let out somethings that I have been holding back for a while now. As you will all know i now have a job and i know that's suppose to be something exciting like "yay! woo hoo! now you can get the chance of making it rain!" that is not true first of all. Second of all, I just work at McDonald's and for those who never worked there probably doesn't know literally how impossible it can feel trying to please the customers while the automatic soda machine keeps having a break down and i mean a major break down. I'm talkin' how the claws that suppose to clasp whatever size drink is being put in the order doesn't clasp it at all so I literally have to do it manually, and sometimes even though you know you put the cup in the right container it was suppose to be in, the machine itself doesn't pour the drink into the cup and instead just pours it in the...rig-like...thing...it's something when a customer orders a drink from the cashier and then there's the soda machine that the customer has to pour it in themselves and sometimes it overflows and the liquid just ends up spilling under those metal bars that just holds or disposes the liquid but that's out front where customers order their food I'm the one at the second window of the drive thru that gives the customer their meals. Anyways, it was a complete disaster it keeps breaking a bunch of cups which made us waste time and won't give the customers their drinks ON time. Most of the time we have to pour in the drinks manually by just pressing the buttons of the order for the customers. The only thing that made things easier was me trying to socialize with them and be nice and just stay on their good side to make it hard for them to go against me and i do that as a distraction while my coworkers go and fixes the problem. There's a lot to say about what goes on in there. I really don't like working at McDonald's but the only reason why its bareable for me was because I begged my manager, in a very subtle way, to move me from the grill position to the second window position because i didn't find it enjoyable to keep giving myself first degree burns every time i try to flip a burger. The window does have some ups and downs like, sure I'm able to talk to people and serve them drinks and their meals as soon as it's ready, but it does get hot most of the time and so i have to ask my manager if i can have a soda or something..yesterday (2/19/17) i drank two medium sprites and an apple juice that didn't have a straw attached to it. I was lucky they let me out an hour early because my shift was suppose to be from 1-5pm and i got out at 4, went out to starbucks, drank my favorite tall caramel frappuccino, i looked through my snapchat and saw my boyfriend's message about knowing i got out early mainly because i was bragging about how relieved i am about it in my story so he hit me up, then later he came over to my house. Again, i love my boyfriend but he acts like a complete child sometimes, he's always seeking attention and when he doesn't get it he has an attitude and just tries to walk out the door then ends up coming back in because he realizes i didn't care because im suppose to be his girlfriend not his babysitter or his entertainer. He whines and complains i mean c'mon the dude is 18 years old shouldn't he be mature by now? Ugh and today he was bothering me about coming over to hang and talk and stuff and i said "no because you were being too much last night, you were always trying to put your disgusting fingers in my mouth and constantly waving your arms on my face and putting it in my face and constantly being touchy all over my body even in places that you weren't invited in" We were just watching a movie Inferno which was really interesting by the way, and all i wanted to do was chill and watch the movie. I don't mind holding hands or cuddling but if he keeps acting the way he's acting, then i might as well work as a babysitter and should be payed a lot because i always put up with him. The relationship is becoming more of a chore than romance and honestly I don't feel it's going anywhere. And I know what you guys are thinking "ok if it's not going well then just break up with him" and i will i just have to find a perfect time and just let him down easy. I didn't sign up to date a whiny boy who acts like a little bitch ok? If i wanted pussy i would date a woman..i was suppose to be signed up for a man who knows how to act while we're in public, who knows how to be mature and not complain about everything, who gives me what i like instead of making me do what he likes all the time...yanno like shareing..like I'll do things that he likes and he does the same for me. OH MY GOD that felt good letting it out..I'm so glad you guys would take the time to read all this about stress and fiasco events at work (honestly). Keep reading my blogs guys i enjoy writing them just for you. bye loves!
  5. Dr.Luke did what????

    nooo of course not...what i was trying to do was i was trying to be unbiased...which is very hard by the way...i love kesha soo fricken much...but what im trying to get to was..was she doing this out of anger?..i mean where i read it..it said when she texted Lady Gaga she was talking about "him" his name wasnt mentioned in their conversation but it was assumed that it actually WAS about Dr.Luke in an attempt to try to ruin his rep and business...but i do side more with kesha because she did (like i said in the entry) mention that she woke up naked on his bed..now that i believe..i also believed when she said that he might've put something in her drink which brought her to the point where she can't remember what happened and that she was in shock to find herself in complete nudity...but the only problem is was that since she couldnt remember she could only assume and that's what gave Dr.Luke the advantage to try to defend himself..which personally i find that defending him is complete bs because if he was a alone in the room with her then i would think it was him..because if Kesha didn't say anything about anyone else besides Dr.Luke being around her then using our common sense it will most likely be Dr.Luke's fault...but unfortunately the court doesnt see it that way..because unlike us..they cant be biased about the case..unless theres solid evidence then theres a chance that one side might have the greater chance of winning..but unfortunately until that comes up they're just stuck telling them what happened
  6. Dr.Luke did what????

    Whats up guys I just want to discuss what is happening between Lukaz Gottwald a.k.a Dr.Luke and the famous singer, song writer Kesha Rose Sebert. I was going through instagram and saw at least one piece of the filed papers from the court in New York and there was also a link and i read what was happening. Some were the ones a lot of her loving animals knew already though i cant speak for everyone because who knows...maybe people just dont have interest in the real world. But thats not important! What really got my attention was a few things: Kesha was texting Lady Gaga about "some guy" who also raped Lady Gaga making Kesha not the only one on the victim boat. Now, i dont even know if it's true or not because since Kesha has been abused and faced MAJOR depression she probably just wants to take her anger to the point where she ruins Dr.Luke's reputation and his business not to mention that on twitter Katy Perry herself said that she never had a problem with Dr.Luke and doesn't see him as a rapist. And that says a lot because if one female artist has no problem then there's bound to have the majority of female artists who are in contract with Dr.Luke that don't have those kind of problems with him either except for the few who claims they had (not including Kesha). Also before you guys start going all loco coco by sayin "How is she lieing? She's a victim of a music producer..why would anyone lie about being raped?" Well there has been a case where a woman accused an NFL player of raping her and getting her pregnant. But fortunately for the NFL player he was pleaded not guilty litterally the guy either wore a condom (which rapists wouldn't usually do when they rape someone) or didnt have sex with her at all (it was a long time ago so the memory is a bit fuzzy) and the lady later on either got tested for her pregnancy or she got her period either way everyone knew she was lieing. Do you see my point? also dont ask why she did it because the answer will always be thats shes crazy. Ok so back to Kesha. On the other hand however, she did before claim that Dr.Luke did put something in her drink and then somehow she ended up naked on his bed. And I dont think that's a coincidence. Ok so there's two sides to the story from the two. I am not saying im on Dr.Luke's side because i am an animal and i love Kesha with all my heart and i definately would fight for her. Im just trying to be unbiased and seeing both sides of the story and from what other artists view him as personally. Maybe what i said about her anger being taken to a whole new other level isnt true..but thats ok!! because it all comes from a perspective its just what i think that doesnt mean is true. Solid evidence is what makes it true and it can either save or ruin Kesha. Maybe even for life. But guys all this stuff that im saying, the majority of it is what I pulled out of the social media from what real people, specifically celebrities, are saying about this case and some are just my perspective..its what i think..im not trying to put solid facts because some may not be a fact at all. Meaning somebody is lieing im not going to choose which side i think is telling the truth or which one is lieing. But tell me what you guys think and ill reply to u asap. Byee!
  7. Dr.Luke did what????

    Whats up guys I just want to discuss what is happening between Lukaz Gottwald a.k.a Dr.Luke and the famous singer, song writer Kesha Rose Sebert. I was going through instagram and saw at least one piece of the filed papers from the court in New York and there was also a link and i read what was happening. Some were the ones a lot of her loving animals knew already though i cant speak for everyone because who knows...maybe people just dont have interest in the real world. But thats not important! What really got my attention was a few things: Kesha was texting Lady Gaga about "some guy" who also raped Lady Gaga making Kesha not the only one on the victim boat. Now, i dont even know if it's true or not because since Kesha has been abused and faced MAJOR depression she probably just wants to take her anger to the point where she ruins Dr.Luke's reputation and his business not to mention that on twitter Katy Perry herself said that she never had a problem with Dr.Luke and doesn't see him as a rapist. And that says a lot because if one female artist has no problem then there's bound to have the majority of female artists who are in contract with Dr.Luke that don't have those kind of problems with him either except for the few who claims they had (not including Kesha). Also before you guys start going all loco coco by sayin "How is she lieing? She's a victim of a music producer..why would anyone lie about being raped?" Well there has been a case where a woman accused an NFL player of raping her and getting her pregnant. But fortunately for the NFL player he was pleaded not guilty litterally the guy either wore a condom (which rapists wouldn't usually do when they rape someone) or didnt have sex with her at all (it was a long time ago so the memory is a bit fuzzy) and the lady later on either got tested for her pregnancy or she got her period either way everyone knew she was lieing. Do you see my point? also dont ask why she did it because the answer will always be thats shes crazy. Ok so back to Kesha. On the other hand however, she did before claim that Dr.Luke did put something in her drink and then somehow she ended up naked on his bed. And I dont think that's a coincidence. Ok so there's two sides to the story from the two. I am not saying im on Dr.Luke's side because i am an animal and i love Kesha with all my heart and i definately would fight for her. Im just trying to be unbiased and seeing both sides of the story and from what other artists view him as personally. Maybe what i said about her anger being taken to a whole new other level isnt true..but thats ok!! because it all comes from a perspective its just what i think that doesnt mean is true. Solid evidence is what makes it true and it can either save or ruin Kesha. Maybe even for life. But guys all this stuff that im saying, the majority of it is what I pulled out of the social media from what real people, specifically celebrities, are saying about this case and some are just my perspective..its what i think..im not trying to put solid facts because some may not be a fact at all. Meaning somebody is lieing im not going to choose which side i think is telling the truth or which one is lieing. But tell me what you guys think and ill reply to u asap. Byee!
  8. Now that im single...

    Hey guys...i know I talked about my relationships lately and in my previous entries, but today I'm actually going to start taking care of myself and start thinking about what I want to do since I don't have to focus on any relationships. First off I actually have at least a few ideas about what i want to do for a living. My first choice was to become a Veterinarian and go study on the fields of medicine and hands-on care for animals. I love animals and the only thing I ever want to do was help animals..maybe even rescue them...who knows..my second choice was to become an FBI agent and become a part of Special Agent group and to travel internationally to stop cyber crimes, international terrorism, foreign counterintelligence etc. My last choice was to become a street artist..and no i don't mean drawing graffiti and vandalizing private property (trust me there two types of people..ones who make art and actually sell them and ones who vandalize property..so..yeah people have different definitions with being a street artist) I want to be able to make artwork..i already got the basics and still advancing myself..well what i draw doesnt look very basic..maybe intermediate but i think some are pretty basic art work. However I'm still getting myself into making touristic art work for those who are new to FLorida and if they want something to remember their vacation on Florida they can buy my work for at least $20 depending on how big they want their drawing to be. If you want to see it its on facebook heres the link and you can guys can get a sneak peek --> https://www.facebook.com/My-Art-Gallery-1178730605573473/?ref=page_internal i made a page just for you guys becus honestly you guys know how to make my days and really give great advice when i need it and trust me i do read the comments and i enjoy every one of em so as a treat im letting u guys in on my little art collection its not much but more will be coming and btw if u guys dont have facebook no worries theres a link for twitter if u have one --> https://twitter.com/keshascrazgirl just check it out and tell me what you think..now im not sayin im perfect everything requires practice..im still practicing but please help yourself and enjoy it!
  9. The end became official

    oh i found out she liked someone else.....bummer :/...but its ok at least i didnt have deep feelings for her
  10. Sometimes i wish things would turn out better

    thnx my mom knows how to keep me on my feet
  11. The end became official

    Hey what's up guys..i know at least two days ago pretty much about how i remember, i have said something about being back together with my bf and how things are complicated between me and him. Now nothing is complicated anymore because just yesterday i have officially ended my relationship. To be honest i thought it was for the better anyway asides the fact that he is completely bipolar, he also smothers me alot! i can't deal with excessive hugging and constant kissing when it's not needed and litterally everyday single minute says "I love you" 24/7 there's not a day where he doesn't say it. He also doesnt listen and just stop respecting my wishes and instead just care about his needs. He constantly sends 20 texts a day just for reassurance that i still love him when i "did" (past tense duh) and whenever i just want to chill and watch a movie he's constantly on top of me whether he lays his head on my lap, sits on my lap, puts his arm around me. He litterally never lets me out of his sight and never lets go of me. Soooo...the fact that i left brought me to paradise and that i can finally breathe! and i know that sounds mean but give me a break will ya? i've already been thru hell and i don't want anyone complainin and tellin me how thats not half bad or how thats unfair...people are different and not everyone (though some) appreciates excessive hugging and touching and i'm one of those few that felt that way about it. I've been single and am still single even though half of my guy friends that i've known for a while did have a crush on me and actually two of em asked me out right after i broke up with him. I said no to them because....well...i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to go back just yet. I wanna live my single life until im ready to go back out to the dating world. So yes, things did get complicated but since i don't want to deal with them i just ended it and instead decided to live my own life...that's pretty much there is to it, i just ended it imediately and left i didnt want to face the pain or anything..thnx for reading guys plz keep reading my stuff and make sure to like and ill keep writing! Byees!!
  12. Sometimes i wish things would turn out better

    Sup guys i left with having complications with my boyfriend. Appearently me and him had a huge fight yesterday (Friday January 20, 2017) and me and him ended up in a breakup. I won't go into details about what he said or did so i'll keep it confidential for his sake. It turned so bad to the point that i was in distress and just cried throughout my last two classes. At least my friends came around cheering me up and when i drove my brother to the chiropractor i told him everything that happened amd even he went to cheer me up. After i dropped him off and went home, i just went in my room, layed on my bed and just looked at my phone in his contacts. He was blocked of course but whenever i looked at it, at his picture from my contacts, i wanted to bring him back but i was too afraid he was gonna say somethin worst. So when my mom came home she asked what happened and i told her what happened except unlike the times i lost myself while explaining myself to others for some reason i didn't cry in pain becus all my tears was wasted and drained. She asked to borrow my phone to call him and i automatically told her no because he was being blocked so she did it on her phone instead and left voicemails. So she told me this "If a man talks bad about any woman, then he's no man at all. He's just an immature little boy who has no respect for himself and others. Don't cry over a guy who hurt you, he's not worth your precious tears. You need to stand tall with your head held high and to put your foot down. Don't let no guy tell you that you're nothing because you're worth everything and if he can't see that then he's not the guy for you" and i'll never forget it. So he came over to my house and they were talking about what happened and after they were done they asked me if i wanted to talk to him. In my head i said no but in my heart i was screaming yes but only because i want to let out all my pain and fustration at him but something better happened instead. He turned his cheek and told me to slap him and inside i knew he deserved it so...i slapped him..i slapped him as hard as when he gave me pain. So i watched him stand there...looking defeated and weak. He fell on his knees and started to cry and telling me over and over about how regretful he feels and how sorry he is. As i saw this happening, i couldn't help but think that maybe i did matter to him and that maybe his apology was true and not just a show. So, i looked in my heart and decided that i think what he tells me is the truth so i forgave him and took him back in my life. He stayed at my place watching tv, cuddling with me and ate dinner with my family. Fast forward to the next day i went to his house but even before we broke up sometimes he can be a pain but i deal with it but othertimes just like today he was being complicated and rude i tried not to let it get to me so i just sat on the couch wonderin how it would feel to finally stay single. I love him still but i just wanted to know how it feels to take a break i mean i wasn't the only one who thinks like that, my friend thought about that towards her boyfriend. But i'm sure i'll do fine, me and him are still working things out but i'm sure we'll be fine. Thanks for reading guys ya'll know how much i love it when you guys read my blogs so please keep reading my stuff and make sure to like them because i'll make sure to keep writing. Thanks again i love you my little pumpkin patch! ???
  13. I thought I knew but...

    what's up you guys..happy new years by the way!..so..i know i havent blogged about anything lately mainly because i was too busy with school work, i was studying or rather more practicing for the ACT and spending time with my boyfriend. And speaking of boyfriend that's whats going to be the topic today...er..night..I love my boyfriend more than anything and always imagine us lasting together forever....but when i come across a beautiful woman..i end up remembering how i felt towards them the way i could never feel towards a guy. I know how my boyfriend is clingy and he wants me to do the same because he thinks im not a clingy person..which isnt true..im really clingy..but for some reason its only towards girls because i just cant find myself clinging to him in any way. I met this girl Micky..her name is Makayla but we call her Micky instead..so i met Micky through my friend Anna..it was during lunch and we started a small talk about this and that and color guard and yada yada yada..so two days later i see Micky again with Kendall and then Gabby was there yanno like the whole gang came together and whatever and so i just kept tellin her how cute she is..not in a I-Have-A-Crush-On-You kind of way but in a friendly way. She thought i was flirting with her and so when me and the gang went into the bathroom all i did was wait for them and Anna came to wash her hands and i was there next to her and then five seconds later I see Micky just fitting herself in between the sink on my side i thought it was cute because she just wants to be with us and when the gang went back to our seats, i have no idea why this happened but Gabby just spilled out loudly that im half gay..its actually bi but she finds it the same thing..and then Micky right away said that she was bi too..and to be honest i actually did like her at fir<3st sight because she's legit hot as f***..but as usual i like to play it cool and just act like nothing's up..so anyways...im not saying i have a crush on her because litterally alot of people will look at someone and think they're attractive but they wouldn't actually date the person it's like a straight woman looking at another straight woman that finds her ass attractive but it doesnt necessarily mean she wants an intimate relationship with her..that's kinda like me towards Micky..but even though i wouldnt find my self in a relationship with her i gotta say it feels good having that sort of loving feeling towards a woman..but what confuses me most was after i had that feeling, i wasn't sure if i was REALLY bi..sometimes i think I'm lesbian because of the lack of intimacy i have towards men that i barely show them any affection or interest..which by the way im struggling with towards my boyfriend...i didn't want to believe i was completely lesbian because that would mean throwing out the only guy who would give anything to make me happy..but if it does turn out to be true then it won't become a good happy healthy relationship because he's gonna suffer through the pain and heart break i gave him and im gonna have to live with it because i can't change myself or my feelings..just like a straight man can't turn gay....a bi, possibly lesbian, cant turn straight..im always feeling myself leaning more towards women..now i dont even know if my feelings for him are real or true and me him have been dating for 5 months now and im still not finding myself being intimate with him..i dont kiss him very often..and even when i do we makeout in his car but its hard to find myself actually falling for his kisses..like i dont feel anything from him...im still fighting at what could be the truth of being homosexual..i try to avoid being in a relationship with girls because i know im gonna find myself clinging to her and becoming really affectionate...and what's worst is that i can become very vulnerable and my heart could break easily when im like that..i know it's wrong leading him on..but im trying hard not to...i know its mean and a little cruel to lead guys on like that..they dont like it..and to them they feel like their girls never cared for them..and i dont want my boyfriend to think that way of me..i try my best to bring him out to get coffee together, watch movies together, go eat somewhere together..and i think tomorrow on friday im gonna bring him to the South Florida Fair thats about to open..so those of you reading this please dont think im leading him on..i care about his feelings and im sensative towards guys because i know how it feels to be led on...i thought i knew who i was and what i wanted...but.. i guess im still struggling to figure it out...i would like to tell you more but as you know things get pretty complicated because i still havent told him about it because i dont want him to doubt this relationship so now im back at square one to figuring out who i am and what i want...thanks for reading guys it really means alot i really enjoy knowing you guys read them because it encourages me to write more...you guys are amazing please like this and i love you! bye my little pumpkin patch! (BTW ignore the spoilers down below because there no spoilers i just accidently clicked on it then when i want it to go away i thought clicking it again would but it made it worst so)
  14. My Past to Present (maybe a little something we can relate to)

    ok guys...its that time of year again where i dont act crazy and have the need to tell you my struggles cos you know....the struggle is always real wen im around and im not sure why so lets get started. Ok so, for the people that know me (ik you guys dont but thats not a big deal thats wat socializing is for) they think of me as this wild, funny, out-spoken chick but little do they know with every happy present came a sad past. I was NEVER out-spoken or even socializing for that matter when i was younger and im talking like maybe 13 years old maybe younger. Anyways, i was always that one kid in the back of the room who is quiet and doesnt like to socialize with ANYONE unless someome came and talked to me (which rarely happens and wen it does happen it always comes with insults) yes i was an ugly child (or i was told i was one anyway...boys were a bunch of shit eaters cos all they ever do is talk shit) anyways asides from the trouble i was having with socializing, i honestly didnt know how it felt to have a real friend except the only true bff i ever had was wen i was litterally in second grade and we couldnt last long together becus she had to move to Georgia and that left me well...alone. Ever since then i was having trouble making new friends and thats where we fast forward to 5th grade where i was litterally pushed around, insulted everyday, always isolated during lunch (it wasnt even a choice)....yea...not my hottest year. Fast forward to 8th grade things got a little better...or so i thought. My old middle school didnt accept homosexuality, bisexuality or anything thats not straight so my life gotten worst. When i had my first gf i had my first kiss as we and it didnt end well for me not for her (i wuldnt bring her down with me anyway) and my parents were involved and wen i walked into the office i saw my mom crying and my dad stand there in disbelief however when we made it home they never punished me or anything just told me that they're disappointed in me. To be honest they shouldnt be disappointed becus loving the same sex shuldnt be shameful or something to be hated on it shuld be supported and if there r ppl who disagrees oh well they guna have to deal with it regardless. 2 years later as a sophi my mom eventually accepted me to like women. And of course you guys know my bf cos hes the one i showed to her and i was only a grade higher than him so he was like a freshmen and we already knew what happened he did things and i was depressed blah blah blah. Fast forward to now which i am now a senior im kinda still pretty bummed out becus i really dont wanna live with my parents at this point and there r still things that i have to deal with luckily theres no people involved so yay me and thats pretty much what happened in the past and now. Btw i just want to thank u guys for readin my blogs i really appreciate it and i really do hope u guys keep reading them becus i have a lot of other stories to share so ill see ya later pumpkin patch! ❤
  15. Tryna match make here

    alright you sick fucks...this is how its guna go down..my friend who is about to turn 18 in just 10 days is tryna find a gf and i told him i will help him get a nice gf. One who isnt crazy (maybe just a lil crazy) one who doesnt know alot about relationships, one whos laid back and wont text and call 24/7 or stalk his shit cos everyone knows that guys dont like that shit (well at least most of em dont anyway), also one who's OBVIOUSLY around his age he doesnt like liars lieing about their age cos who wuld asides sickos yanno? also DO NOT comment "why cant he go on dating websites?" its cos dating websites r for sick fucks who dont give 5 monkey asses to pedro's soul if that doesnt make sense its becus the whole point of its nonsense is that dating websites dont make sense cos ppl always put false information. Now, for any single gals out dere lookin for a nice gentleman plz hmu like message me and shit. Alright little pumpkin patch always remember if u find urself on a dating site ur prolly either high af or u didnt get a degree cos u aint smart enough to know how terrible those places are. Also dont do drugs
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