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Desnudate

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Blog Entries posted by Desnudate

  1. I haven’t written about my life for a long time now. Maybe most of you thought I may have finally found someone. Finally found what I was looking for, but no. As of today I am starting to feel that love is just not made for me. Whenever love comes around the bad luck start.
    Let’s first go back to February. In January I talked about Steve right? Well, he suddenly told me he was seeing someone now, so I was no option for him anymore. Okay, that isn’t a first for me. YAY, again!
     Then something else happened. Let’s just say I tried something new. I slept with someone who I didn’t even knew on forehand and to be honest, it was kind of nice. It was maybe even the best sex I’ve had so far, but afterwards I didn’t feel right. It just isn’t made for me. I only do it when I desperate, which I was at that time.
    I also had some new dates again. First off, the weirdest one. I had a date with a Syrian Refugee. I know right… But he was so hot on his pictures, I just wanted to meet him. Well, he was kind of disappointing in real life, but on the other hand. Now I got a full on source to tell me what it is like in those refugee camps and everything. I want to know about stuff like that. It was a nice afternoon, but it stayed with that. Then there was Richard, a very cute guy, with a lot of same interests as me. We drank some beers at his house and kissed. It felt quite good. But, you can already guess it so far. In the end he didn’t wanted to go through with it. He just came out of a relationship and wasn’t sure what to do now. He told me that I shouldn’t worry, that I’m a cute guy and that he actually liked me.
    Yeah sure. How many times have I heard this so far now? I can’t even count them anymore.
    Then there was Ferry. Also a cute guy, but his pictures were just way better. But, I actually quite liked him as a person. It felt like quite a good match. So in the end I was like, let’s try this. This could work.
    But no. He didn’t want to.
    I know you have written me a lot of great things. I need to hold on, I will find someone etc. But let’s be very real here. Is it normal for someone to have this bad luck in life? As of this moment I’m just not sure anymore and it just hurts me. I can't even remember if I talked about every date in this blog. Some don't even stay with me, because I get rejected and I move on. Like said before past dates all find their true match, while I just swerve from date to date and it never seems to work. In the end guys just don’t seem to like me. I’m unlovable. I’ve never felt this much pain in my head, cause I more and more feel like it just isn’t made for me. Love.
    Yeah I’m 21. Yeah I will find it. Keep saying those things to me. But as of this day. When I got my new rejection, it felt more real to me. I’m lost. Maybe not everyone finds their match. Maybe there are some people who just need to live their life alone.
    Maybe I am one of those. There is no love allowed for me.
  2. 2015 is gone. It won't come back. It's time to start a new. For me the best way to do this was to be the bigger person to every person that broke or damaged my heart in any sort of way. On January 1st wanted to show that I am a good person and I sent all of them a New Years message. For me this felt like closure. I got some back and some not. I don't care in the end. These were basically the last messaged I would have sent to them.
    Already some time into the month I got to talk to some new guys. I will name them now, since it would be hard to keep them apart later on. I will give them different names though, just in case. The first one was Gary. Gary started talking to me on the big gay website in the Netherlands. In the beginning I was just sure it wasn't going to turn into anything. He literally looked model perfect. I don't really like those guys, because they can get everyone they want. They just don't choose for me, I am not crazy. Well, he seemed interested and wanted a date. We did. I really had a nice time, thought he was very cute, but already got the feeling it wasn't mutual. It turned out to be true in the end. He thought I was nice and nice to talk to, but that was that. Well, another one to add to list. As of this point I try to not care anymore. Ofcourse I cared, but I put it away. 
    I started talking to a guy called Warren and a guy called Steve. Warren was cute, but not spectacular to me. Looks wise and personality wise. I asked him on a date to try, but he held off in the beginning. He wanted to talk more to me. Okay, I respect that. We now have a date planned, but like I said, I don't feel much about it. It can always change, which is why I still want to try it.
    And then there is Steve. Steve is perfect, cute, sexy, just match. We talked a lot in the beginning and then it became quiet. We then started talking again and he told me he was talking to 3 guys, me included. One masculine, one cute and one nice and serious. I was the nice and serious one. That is me I guess, I'm not the cute or masculine one. I then said to him I didn't really feel that secure at that moment, since my history. I am not the guy you pick over a cute or masculine guy. I am not special. He then made the offer of a date. I'm looking forward to it, but on the other side I feel like I have to challenge with you other guys. I don't like that. Maybe because, like I said, I will be the first to lose. 
    And then the biggest thing that basically turned me all around this month. If y'all read  1 year ago part 3 you can still remember the guy that sent me the text message about him kissing a collegue and wanting to go through with that 2 hours for our next date. Well, I found out he is together with him now. The moment I saw a picture of them together I fell of the cliff. I was climbing my way up to the peak, again. I was feeling great. But this. This wrecked me.
    He is the 2nd guy of my past dates to find love. To be together with someone. It's so unfair. As of this moment I am at the same place as where I ended 2015. 2016 was going to be a change again. A change in mind, but I lost it to myself. I still have nothing.
    If love don't work out for me, it can still hurt like shit to me.
    Well, at least I have two dates to look out to.
    Two future disasters. 
  3. October 2015
    I really had a hard time coming back from the heartbreak. This guy had given me so much, everything I was looking for. He was a musician, playing in quite a big band (they are literally growing in popularity and fame in Europe as we speak), was a secret Mariah and Whitney fan (which I am now too, thanks to him...), was the only other person that stanned for the tv-show The Leftovers and was just beautiful. Why did it go wrong? Why did it happen to me at this moment? As of today I still cannot let it go. I kind of have a feeling I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. He was The One That Got Away. 
    The rest of the month October I tried everything to forget about it. A week after the breakup I got myself a new date. Everyone around me, including myself, thought it was a really stupid idea, but I had to do something to get over the guy. This date I knew from before and I basically knew it was nothing. I came to realisation soon enough when we meeted. He was incredibly tall and was kind of the bitch type. And guess what? it was a really stupid thing to do, because this guy showed me why I was so in love with the other one. The september guy was a little bit shorter than me, which made him cute and was basically one of the sweetest guys I had ever met. Even though the breakup was hard and uneasy, I knew he had a hard time with it too and tried everything from breaking my heart. This date was a complete disaster and I told him the truth after it. 
    November 2015
    In November I got the feeling I was losing the feelings from the september guy. I still felt it, since everyone in my surroundings knew how I felt about this guy, so everyone knew I was having a hard time. But things started to fade away. Halfway through the month a new guy came across me through the dating website for Gays in The Netherlands. I felt awful being on there, until this guy. He was really nice, made a lot of jokes with me and was just a nice guy to talk to. It was the exact kind of thing I needed at that moment. We decided to go on a date. We drank some. It was a nice evening. He was cute. The next date we decided to have some dinner. Again. It was cute and nice. The moment we said goodbye I did my thing. I kissed him. Let me give you a reminder: this was the first time I kissed a guy by myself, with my own intention. When I walked away I had to think about The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. I felt infinite. 
    Since you already know how things go with me this doesn't come as a surprise. We decided to go on another date, but I got the feeling he wasn't that much up for it. He then told me he thought I was a really nice guy, but he had the feeling I thought of him different then how he thought of me, just a nice guy. We decided we let the third date go. 
    As of this moment I was used to the rejection, but after September, this was my deepest low. I can still remember I messaged all my friends saying "That's it. I don't believe in it anymore. I guess I am too ugly, too plain, just not sexy, not funny, not cute, there is something. So it's now time for you to tell me what it is. Because if they see it, you see it too". I was done. I was exhausted. I tried and tried and tried, but everytime I get to the point I like them, but they never like me back. Ofcourse my friends said there was nothing wrong with me and said "you will find it eventually" or "you are only 21". Normally these things got me back up, but the last part of November I was at my deepest low. I was off to a depression. Everyone finds love, but it looks like I will be the one getting left behind.
    December 2015 (The Last Month, The Last Chance)
    And then it came up to this month. December. The last chance. I had given up all my hope. And I was done with it, but still. There is always a little hope. I started the apps up again and I got some new matches. 2 which I really liked. One of them told me already got a guy he was dating, otherwise he would have definitely given me chance. Fun fact: we are seeing each other, but as friends. I may have not found love, but it has given me a really great new friend. 
    The other one, was up for a date. He looked perfect, sounded perfect, but hey, I am not going to let myself get to this anymore. Keep it slow, don't expect much. He worked at a movie theater and decided I would pick him up from his work and then we would have a dinner and a drink somewhere. I can still remember he sent me "You know what, I am very happy you started talkling to me. I am not the kind of person who steps up on people asking them to go on a date. I'm shy like that." I thought it was so sweet and cute. We had the most amazing date, it came up on par with the September guy. At the train station I asked him what he thought, if he thought there was a second date possible. He then gave me a little kiss, saying 'I thought a kiss would give the right idea about what I think of a second date". I stepped on the train, smiling from ear to ear. WAIT! Don't. It can go wrong tomorrow. It will go wrong. Don't expect it to happen in the last month. Are you stupid? Yes. I am stupid. I expected it to happen in the last month.
    When I came home we talked for 3 hours straight through messages and planned a second date. It was 1,5 week away, but he was very busy with work and school, it was hard but it had to be that way. And, he was worth the wait. We talked everyday, he even talked with me during work. Until after the party he had at work. The talking started to get less and less. I knew it was coming. The turning point I had with every date. I knew it was coming. 
    1,5 week later. I told him I was very excited for the date. I waited so long. And then I got a message. A very big message. The kind of message that even though you haven't read it, you already know what could have be in it. I decided to translate it all and put it on here:
    "Awh. I also like we meet again...although I must say that on the party with work last thursday i kissed with a collegue. I fancied him for a while now, but it never came upon something. As of this moment we decided to start dating and meet again. So I do like meeting with you again today, but basically with some other intentions then last time. I really hate saying this, but I want to be honest with you, we talked about that last time. I didn't wanted to hide it for you, I wanted to talk about it tonight, but since you said this to me I thought I had to say it now."
    I waited 1,5 week. The party where he kissed was 2 days after our first date. 1 week before the second. He waited 1 week to tell me this. He let me wait and then say it 2 hours before the official second date. I was angry. I was sad. This. This was almost more terrible than the breakup. This was pure cruelty. 
    In the last month of the year I was suppose to find my one. I was pushed away. Again.
    He told me he wanted to stay friends, which I tried in the beginning, but I just couldn't live with what he had done to me. He gave me the feeling it was going to be fine with the kiss. He knew I was anxious about dates. And then this happens. This guy probably hit me the most with his words. 
    December 30th 2015
    And now we are here. I am at the exact same point I was last year. My friends beg me to differ. "But you had dates this year, you kissed guys, you has sex." Yeah i did all of that, what did it give me? Heartbreaks, depression, no hope. 
    I am not sure if I will make another wish tomorrow. As of now I know these won't come true. They are pointless, they are make believe. You just cling onto them hoping it will come true. But they won't.
    I started this blog, because I wanted to know if this happened to more people. And then I'm not talking about heartbreaks and everything, because I know everyone has those. But for me, it hasn't gone right still. I am 21 and I never even had a relatonship (with a guy though). What is the problem with me that everytime it starts amazing it ends bad? 
    For 2016 I am going to keep up with this blog and I truly, truly hope. That one day I can write the best blog of them all, telling you I have found him. 
    But thinking really honest and true about it, I am not sure if it will happen in 2016, looking at my history of 2015.
    Should I make a new wish again?
     
  4. August 2015
    After the things happening in July I had to cool it down for a moment. This month was me recovering what happened. I just did some things with friends. Got my mind off the whole 'love' thing. At the end of the month I started Tinder again. I got a couple of matches. 1 of which I had in the beginning of the year too. We lost contact, but we were a match again. He told me he just broke up with his ex, which he met on Tinder, the same time we were talking on the app too. After the most cute conversations we had we decided to drink something together. In the beginning of September.
    September 2015
    Even though July 2015 was probably the month with the worst things happening to me, September 2015 is the most painful, thanks to the memories. Me and this boy had our first date at a cocktail bar. It was completely empty and we were the only ones there. We had this amazing conversation and most of all: he was perfect. Like literally, looks, personality. He was everything to me. At one moment he swifs himself closer to me saying "I'm going to sit a little closer to you now, alright?" It sounds so stupid, but the way he said it was so cute. I mean, I immediatly knew what was coming. And this time I was ready. We kissed. For a such a long time. You know that feeling that you get kissing someone and it feels like you are the only people on the world? Well, it helped we were the only one in the cocktailbar. After kissing for an half hour he asked me to come home with him. He lives 5 minutes away. I did it. At his home we kissed some more. Just kissed. It felt so amazing. It was so amazing I didn't wanted to leave, but I did, because we both had school early that next morning. 
    The next day, in love like I was already, we decided to meet again. This time just at his home, watching some movies. I can still remember he sent me: "Pick some movies. But don't make them hard to understand, I know I will be distracted enough." Did he really say that? Was he going to be distracted by me? I noticed. This time I was in love. With the July guy it was because it was my first time, but this time I really felt something different inside of me. I went to his house, but when Limitless (you know that quite okay movie with Bradley Cooper) was only 5 minutes in we were already kisisng like crazy. At one point we even just left the movie for what it was and we did some "other" stuff too. Just some jerk and blow... I felt so amazing in that moment. I felt like I was worth something.
    In next couple of weeks we stayed like this. With me getting more and more in love. We did some more meetings in the cocktailbar (it became sort of our place) and we went to a musical together. After that musical we went to his home again. This time to have some official sex. And this time I had to do some new stuff again, since he was taking it. I was literally terrible, but he was so sweet about it. We were both the second person we had sex with, so we had that connection that we both understood each other.
    Everything felt right, until after the second time we had sex on another night. Something terrible happened. I said some words that you don't need to say that quick. I said. "I love you" 
    I knew it was bad when he didn't seem to react on it.
    October 2015
    We had a new date planned. Just at his home again. Watching movies. But when the date came upon, he said he had some serious family business. It was kind of awkward, because we didn't talk for a whole week and I was so looking forward to the date. He then said the next day was possible too, so I became happy again. Only a day waiting. What could go wrong?
    Well, the next day I came into his house. We talked such a nice conversation for 1 hour. Then I kissed him and asked if anything was wrong. We didn't talk for a whole week, what was the reason for that? He said there was nothing wrong. Until I asked him again.
    "Well...maybe there is something"
    I can still remember the feeling. My guts. I was literally about the throw up. Even though I was ready for something bad, I was expecting it since we didn't talk for a whole week and that didn't happen before, I wasn't ready.
    "It's about you saying I love you to me. It made me realize you are into this different than I am. You want a relationship. I'm just out of one. I have to be honest, in the beginning I thought I was ready and you were perfect, but as of now. I think I need time. I am not ready yet."
    I can still remember I was silent. Silent for more than a minute. What was happening?
    "So...we are over?"
    "I guess so"
    The man that I literally thought was my 'one'. The one I was supposed to find in 2015 just told me he didn't want to continue with me. What we had was great. For me. For him, it wasn't enough. 
    I can still remember I laid there in his arms for over half an hour until I decided to go. The moment I was on my bike I called my best friend. The moment she answered I cried my eyes out. The first time she actually heard me cry. I was heartbroken. The first time I ever felt something like that. I felt incredibly sad. One moment you have it all, one moment you are back at the start.
    Just when you thought you were over the finish line, you were disqualified.
    It was October 2015. My heart got broken, basically for the second time. I was still nowhere knowing what the feeling was of being loved by someone. I loved someone, but was not loved back.
    October 2015, only 2 1/5 months left into finding 'the one'
    It was that moment my hope declined. I am afraid I am not going to find it this year. 
    Maybe never. 
     
  5. First of all, let me say this blog is basically me complaining about my own life. Which is basically every blog nowadays, but this specific thing, I need to get it off my chest. I really hope some can relate to my story, if not, that frightens me...
    November 2014.
    1 year ago. I left the closet. It was the first time I actually realized I was gay. I told my best friends. It felt really awkward and I can still remember I said: "This will never feel normal to me. I hate it and I hate myself. I cannot believe I will ever be able to live with this fact. Goddammit!" Well, I took me a couple of months and then I was completely fine with it. 
    December 2014.
    New Year's Eve. I let up a wishing balloon. I don't believe in such stuff, but hey, it doesn't hurt to try. My wish, well you are actually not supposed to tell, but since it didn't come true: My wish was to find 'the one' in 2015. That was my goal. To find that one person that would make your heart pump more blood in it then ever before. That one person that when you see them you kinda want to throw up. Not because you are sick, but because you are so nervous by seeing them. Yes. It sounds very stupid, but I believe in that stuff. That even though you look sick as fuck, leaking mucus because you are having the flue and there is still this person that loves you in that moment. That it just feels right. I believe in that. So that was my wish.
    January-June 2015.
     I was ready to get my wish. I installed all these dating apps. Grindr. Tinder. I made a profile on a big gay website in The Netherlands. It was going to happen! Well, not for at least 6 months. I was doing my internship and therefore was so freaking busy, I couldn't sometimes find the time to get myself to do these apps. I talked to some people, but it never came to some dating. With Tinder, I had such little matches, it kinda freaked me out. I was feeling better and better about being gay. Accepting it. Maybe even loving it, but it seemed like no one was loving me. No one liked me. No one thought I was attractive. Was I actually ugly? Or was I searching too much? The only thing that could give me an answer was a date.
    July 2015.
    And then it happened. I got a new Tinder match. He was amazing! He didn't really looked THAT attractive, but he was cute. He looked like the exact kind of guy I was needing at that moment. The conversations were amazing. We clicked on so many levels. Almost too good to be true. My first date. It was happening. We went to the cinema together. I can still remember I was so afraid when I walked to him. I saw him standing there in these AWFUL shorts (it was summer and hot, but still!) and suddenly I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Quite the 'tough fellow' I am I continued walking towards him. and he was so nice! We had the most amazing time. After the theater we just walked across the lake and it was just. nice. cute. Couple of hours later he asked me to watch a movie at home with him. That was the moment I stopped. This was my first date. I am not that kind of person. Even though he was amazing and cute. I am just not the kind of person that sleeps with someone right away. I am a virgin. I haven't even kissed with a boy yet. So we said goodbye, swearing however we would meet again. 
    And we would meet again. The very next day already. We were both having holiday. He invited me to have dinner with him. He wanted to cook for me. How cute! Was this really happening to me? He picked me up from the train station. Showed me his home. And then we were sitting there on his couch. He leaned towards me and he kissed me. WAIT. He gave me a kiss and then he stopped. "Uhm. You kissed before right?" I was so ashamed. "Yes...I did, but only with girls!" Which wasn't a lie. I did have kissed with girls, but, like, 4 years ago. I hadn't kissed for 4 years. and the first time I did again was with a boy. Which was totally new. I took my chance however and showed him I could actually kiss. It was a nice evening. A great movie. And then he asked me to come home again. 'Just for a while'. This time I did. That evening. Big things happend. I gave my first blowjob. I got my first blowjob. No 'official' sex though. He knew he was my first. He probably didn't wanted to ask me. But it was amazing! It was the moment. I. Well. I fell in love. 
    The next morning. He told me was going on vacation. It kinda hurt me. He was going away for 2 weeks. I had to forget about him for 2 weeks. But, he assured me. I got to text him all the time. He would have loved that. He gave me the feeling it was mutual. Maybe he loved me too. Is that possible? In only more than a half year I completed my wish? Looking back at it, I feel so stupid. How could I have been so blind. On that very specific vacation he slept with over 3 guys. How I know? He just told me when on text. Like it was nothing. I was heartbroken. Is he serious? Was I that blind? I was nothing more to him than someone who he slept with. I told him I was actually in love with him and he said he doesn't really fall in love with boys anymore. He got his heart broken twice. He doesn't wanna go there anymore. Bitch, please. 
    Even though this was one of the worst things I had ever come across with, I still kept in touch with him. I spoke with a friend and she told me: "Well, why don't you use him just for sex either? I mean, you have no experience? This is your opportunity to get that." I told her that I am just not that kind of person. In this gay world of SEX. I am the one that is out there looking for love. For someone to share my life with. Somehow her words got to me. And by the end of his vacation we set up a new date. A more...exclusive date. He was going to fuck me. At this point in my life I was just so close into getting there, he wanted to do it. Why not? He picked me up at the station again. Got to his home and just did our thing. It hurt, like everyone tells you, but I actually liked it too. The next morning. I was gone. Standing on the station again. I can still remember I felt so sad. So empty. So dirty. What the fuck did I do? As of this point in my life I have never spoke to him anymore. I do have him as a friend on Facebook. Guess what? He has a boyfriend now for 2/3 months already. "I'm not doing love anymore" my ASS stupid motherf*cker!
    It was my turning point. Sex dates are a no go for me. It just doesn't work for me. I am not that kind of person, I already knew it before trying it. 
    From now on I am only going to do dates that will bring me somewhere. Somewhere closer into finding love. 
    I only got a half year left into finding 'the one', completing my wish. 
    It was only the beginning...
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